Traveling spirit

  We have been back from Kenya for a few weeks now & it seems so surreal. Traveling there & home went smoothly for the most part. We had an issue with one of our 7 person team getting boarding passes all the way through to Nairobi but we were able to maneuver through the airports & catch our flights with a little help from Maria running to catch our plane in DOHA.  God put everything in place & got us to our destination safely & comfortably. We had blankets, pillows, towels to wipe our hands, great food & drinks & everyone had their own TV with numerous movie & TV show options.  After 24hrs of travel we made it into Nairobi & were picked up & taken to our hotel for the night. Leaving the airport we spotted Zebras along the road, just like you would see cattle or horses here in the states, it was our first real taste of Africa.  We were met with smiles & a buffet of food at our hotel. We ate & attempted to shower, ice cold water was not ideal but we got our hair washed & got in bed with mosquito nets in place.  I was able to contact Travis and let him know we made it safely.  We slept a few short hours & got up early to get on another plane into Kisumu, our final destination in Kenya.

  Our hosts welcomed us, showed us our rooms, and had lunch waiting for us. Instantly we felt the love & were excited to see what God had planned for us. We rested & prepped for the next day of going out to a village. Driving around was an experience on it's own. Unspoken rules of the road - 8 passenger vans holding 16 people, motorcycles caring 5, people swerving in and out of traffic. Many people walking & carrying things or herding animals, small children walking to school, but everyone seemed to walk with a purpose, no one just sitting around doing nothing. 

  Once in the village we saw a crude stick structure that had been started. This would become the house they were building for a widow in the village and be used for Bible study and church services.  It was amazing to see these men place posts made from trees in the area & construct a home using minimal tools. The hammer was swung with ease & nails driven quickly. Once the main structure was framed they placed a tin roof on top & the roofer moved around quickly & barefoot. He measured & snipped & nailed the tin like he was made to do so.  When all but the mud walls were done we went inside & helped dedicate the house. Singing & sharing Bible verses & introductions - it was amazing!

Bible stories

  While the building was going on the men in our group helped - though it was obvious the builders didn't need the help. The four of us girls spent time with the kids & women in the village playing and down crafts & reading Bible stories. Luckily we had a wonderful interpreter who mirrored our enthusiasm and humor.  We visited three such villages and a few homes in the surrounding area.  We also visited schools and churches and an orphan school.  It was difficult to not just hand out money or food and try to put a band aid on the problems they faced but that was not what we were there for.  We had come to share God's love offer prayer and encouragement.  Yes, we brought gifts of balls, frisbees, food, candy, clothes but that is not as helpful as it may seem.  In a world where you take what you can get when you can get it things like this are snatched up without a second thought.  We heard stories about kids who longed to go to school and a mere $2 a month stood in their way.  And as much as I wanted to hand over money it was not what God was telling me to do.  We saw people come to know Jesus, this was our ultimate goal. We will continue to pray for the safety of those who must risk their lives to make ends meet.  Women going to the river to gather reeds to make mats must watch for hippos and others walking great distances to take their goods to market.

Team in our handmade clothes and the seamstress who made them

Woman making reed mat

  We ended our adventure with a 7hr drive down a dusty bumpy road back towards Nairobi.  We drove through villages & bushes wondering where in the world we would spend the night & then all if a sudden we were in front of a beautiful resort. We checked in & were given warm towels to clean our hands & faces off with. Wonderful rooms & showers with hot water, not just a switch you had to flip & allow it to warm up like the previous places we stayed. We got to go on an evening safari & eat some yummy food. The next morning we got up early & enjoyed another safari. It was amazing to see elephants & lions up close. Chloe snapped away with the camera. It was a wonderful way to end this incredible trip. 

   Once back in the states it was hard to adjust to "normal" life & to look at things that we take for granted. My heart ached for those we had come in contact with but I was comforted thinking of their smiles & hospitality in the midst of their poverty.   

Never say never

  When we started this journey to become foster parents a little over a year ago we had a clear plan in sight.  We would take anyone 5 yrs old and younger in hopes of adopting them figuring it would be easier to bond with a small child.  Like the saying goes, "If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans " - (Woody Allen).  Because here we sit with a 11yr old boy in our home and it is looking like we will be taking in a 13 yr old girl.  Victor, the 11 year old,  has been with us since the beginning of the year and is an awesome kid.  We have our struggles for sure, mostly getting him back on track with school and learning to trust us to be the adults and for him to just be a kid.  To hear the things he has gone through and what his 11 yrs of life have been is heart breaking.  But with our help and the help of his awesome counselor we are hopeful he will continue to grow and heal.

  The 13 yr old girl is named Destiny.  She is a gorgeous young lady and has made leaps and bounds in her progress.  She is currently in a special foster home that is a lot more structured and has helped her make the progress she has achieved.  She has an awesome counselor too.  We have been meeting with her and will begin the transition of her moving into the house by the end of the month.  She is a typical kid, likes, clothes, shoes, arts and crafts and has been doing very well in school.  She is a bit nervous about changing schools and living out here in the mountains when all she has known is the city.  But we truly believe that this peaceful place we have is therapeutic in many ways.  Animals are great ways for kids to feel a connection and without having to deal with adults and the quiet and sounds of the mountain are calming.

  And if that isn't enough crazy we are also in the process of adding 3 boys to our family.  They are all brothers and their ages are 5, 8 & 9.  The 9 year old, Nathan, will more than likely be placed with his father who lives in another state but will stay with us and his brothers until he is.  He is also a history and military buff so he is already excited to hear that Travis is in the Air Force and we have already made a promise to take him to the base to see the helicopters.  The 5 year old, Angelo, is a character and has a big personality and likes to be the center of attention but is a very sweet little guy.  And finally the 8 year old, Anthony, he is having the toughest time with the change.  He is the more emotional one of the bunch.  They are a great group of kids and the treatment foster parents they are with now have done a wonderful job of getting them through their treatment plan and learning to control emotions and anger.  As well as get them on track with school.

  It still amazes me everyday how resilient and strong these kids are.  We are blessed to be able to be part of their journey and can only pray we are able to bless them.

I Did it!!

I stepped foot on stage on May 31st, 2014 in the NM Fitness Championships.  I met my goal, I competed in a bikini contest.  Did I place?  No. Do I care?  No, that was never the point of all this.  It was to prove to myself I could get my body to a point that I felt comfortable enough to step on stage. Did I have the best abs or booty there?  Nope, but I had the best abs and booty I have ever had, even in my high school days my tush never looked that good!

The entire day before everything flowed wonderfully.  I prepped the things to take, not just clothes and toiletries but food, extra sheets and towels so I didn't get tan product on the hotel ones.  We checked in to the hotel and went to check in at the convention center as a competitor.  We stood in line for about an hour, I received my number, the hair and make-up schedule and a goodie bag.  We rushed back to the room so I could get my tan done.  This was the only stressful part, would it be dark enough, would it be orange, would it turn me green??  Three coats of pro-tan competition tan later I was transformed.  I wasn't totally sure I was dark enough so after a few convos with my tan lady she agreed to come back out at 4am that morning to apply two coats of her product.  I put on loose jammies and lay on my special sheets and slept like a board so I didn't mess up the tan or the hair extensions I was wearing.    After those final two coats, Perfection! It looked great and stayed put all day.  The funny thing is with a tan like this you haven't rinsed the bronzer off yet so water is your enemy, which includes going to the potty.  Luckily you are on limited water the day before and day of competition.

The morning of I was awake a 3 a.m. tanned and packed up, put on a robe and walked down to the convention center my sweet hubby carrying my bags so I didn't mess up the tan.  I sat in hair and makeup trying not to fall asleep at 5:30a.m.   As part of the bikini competition we had to com up with a theme wear.   I choose Dorothy as my costume - hey I am a KS girl after all.  I had gingham dress, basket with todo and even ruby slippers.  With competing in  two classes I was able to grace the stage twice.  The first time was surreal.  After I just kept smiling, I had done it.  Oh, I know it wasn't the best performance they had seen but I rocked it best I could.  The rest of the day was wonderful.  All the girls were friendly and nice and I received many texts, messages and phone calls giving me support.  I had several friends and family members that were able to watch the show live.  Amazing!

The final portion of the show went late and being in heels all day was rough on the feet.  After stepping on the stage for the last time I was ready to go find my husband and hug him and go back to the room, get a shower and eat pizza!!  And as soon as I took off those heels I walked out the door and there he was waiting for me with a big smile on his face.  He later said, sorry I didn't get you flowers.  I didn't need flowers, he had supported me all the way, never asking me to give it up or saying he didn't like the person I had transformed into.  He supported me just I have done for him over the years, that is marriage.  Love, support and growing together.  Not wanting the person to never change for fear of what that means.  Honestly, the fact that I didn't place does not bother me at all.  I didn't need that to know I had accomplished my goal.  It amazes me how many people put their happiness in others hands.  I don't need a pat on the back or someone to tell me I did a good job, I am strong enough to know how I did.  This was about me, and my goal and that was it.

Marriage

 Flowers, a beautiful dress, pictures, cake, punch, jewelry, gifts!!  What is there not to love about a wedding??  It can be the most exciting wild ride but hopefully it's not the best day of your life.  Hopefully the days that follow receive that title.  The milestone anniversaries, the children, buying a house, moving, etc.  Hopefully those things beat the wedding day. I know, not really the normal train of thought here in America.  I have been to ridiculously expensive weddings and fairly simple ones too, in fact my wedding cost less that $10,000, including my dress, 4 brides maid dresses, flower girl dress and ring bearer outfit, cake, flowers, venue and all.  All I could think about those few months that I had to prep was being married and the exciting adventures we would go on.  Just him and I on our own.  The day happened so fast but I can still recall all the wonderful feelings and moments.  

Engagement

  Really we had started this whole journey after returning from a trip to Florida with his family for Christmas while he was transitioning from Basic Training to Tech School.  We had it all figured out - found a judge, had gotten the marriage license (no wait time for military and no blood test in KS) and had called most of the family to come over the following day to watch us get hitched.  Well, God had other plans along with that hard praying momma of mine.  That poor judge slipped and fell on the ice the next day putting him out of commission and laying the ground work for us to have a traditional wedding in 3 months when his training was done.  

Daddy and me

  I found my dress at a local shop off the rack - it fit perfect, no alterations needed.  I made my veil, picked the bridesmaid dresses from a catalog at the same shop and decided I wouldn't wear shoes because I loved being barefoot.  I had always wanted to get married at the Christmas tree farm in my home town that had provided so many wonderful memories as a child so that became my venue.  I had no preference of cake flavors or designs - honestly there wasn't as many choices back then.  We decided to do nuts, mints and punch along with the cake.  No reception, no meal, no mess, no fuss.  I walked down the stairs with my daddy and all I could think is "don't let me trip, don't let me trip" and he held onto me tight as we descended the stairs.  As soon as I saw him standing up at the front it was all ok.  I never felt nervous or scared, just felt a sense of safety and firm in the knowledge that this was the man for me.  

Homecoming 2013

  To say I was naive is an understatement, not just to the trials of marriage but the trials of a military marriage.  Everything was very foreign to me. I had no idea about rank, titles and customs - but I learned.  He can now throw acronyms at me like it's nothing and I understand and translate for those around us.  I could never fathom my husband being away for 11 deployments and numerous TDYs.  Most assuredly I couldn't believe the things he would see and do on those deployments.  Marriage is hard, it is work and most definitely a military marriage. It has to be a balance of love, understanding, patience and personal strength. And when you add in the inevitable out fall of war it makes things tricky. My husband has awesome coping skills, I think he was taught them early, and for most of his military career that had been enough. But something has shifted, he wants to be present in this life, he wants to feel things and enjoy things, which is hard. He has swept things under the rug, feelings, fears, etc, for so long we are tripping on the huge mound the rug now covers.  

  It is messy, it is a fight, it is confrontation and uncomfortable.  But we will tackle it together.  He reacts in ways that are hurtful to me but I know that this is different.  Before he would have said nothing, he would have held it in. I know for the most part I am a safe place for him. He can be real and share his feelings and know I am not going anywhere. 

Dinning out

  It is hard to watch the one you love in so much pain so much tournament and all you can do is sit with them and let you know you are there. So that's what I do, I tell him I am here, I show him I am here and I try to convey to him that he is in fact safe. 

  My husband is my hero beyond measure. He is doing things now that he would have never done. Not just to help himself but our family and others. He advocates for counseling and shares his story when he can. I know he will do amazing things given the chance. 

  

Progress

  It has been almost 10wks since I started on this journey to compete in my first bikini competition.  Looking back it has been a roller coaster ride for sure, a series of ups and downs and fast turns.  Four weeks  in I hired a coach to help me with diet and a weight lifting  program along with posing and all the other stuff that comes with this.  I check in with her weekly with pictures and weight and any issues I may be having and she helps me adjust things.  I have also been blessed to be in touch with an old neighbor of ours that competes in figure competitions and coaches also.  She has been wonderful and has offered tremendous help and support in this whole process.  I went and watched a show this past weekend that she was judging.  Very interesting and fun to see how it all flows and goes together.  Now mind you this show was on a much smaller scale than the one I am going to be in but I walked away with a good insight on what the judges are looking for. Not just body condition but over all appearance & stage presence is very important. 

  I have my suit designed, my theme wear figured out, jewelry purchased and I have my hair and make-up set up.  Still figuring out the whole tanning situation but I have a suggestion on who to use just need to make the call.  I have my nail appointment set up and was lucky enough to be sponsored by my local salon - Tanglz Color Bar!!  I have been amazed at the support both financial & verbal during all this. 

  To say it's been a rough road is an understatement.  The gym has been the easiest part of it all.  I have no issue going to the gym and pushing my self.  I don't need someone there to hold my hand I am hard enough on myself, I won't settle for less than last time.  I push it but am careful to listen to my body. It's one thing to push my limits but it's another thing to break past them. This is a goal & a tough one for sure but it is not worth my health or long term damage to muscle or bone.  I am already dealing with a small injury from a fall almost a year ago where apparently I broke my fibula, it healed perfectly but some flex moves bother it. I have found that kesio tape helps big time. 

    The diet has been the toughest part by far.   I joked with a co-worker the other day that I was over chicken and fish & just wanted a steak and a beer.  She said she would have that steak and beer with me come the end of May.  This is more mental than physical for sure, thinking I can actually do this, I can get my body in shape, and giving up time at home to go to the gym, can I pass on that yummy food for chicken and fish again.  And the answer is yes, yes I can.  I have struggled through way tougher situations than this in the past, deployments, illnesses, college while maintaining a home and family (sometimes alone while Trav was deployed), marital troubles, family shunning, moving to new places and the list goes on and on.  I am strong I am powerful and I can do whatever I put my mind to with God's help. 

  The other issue I have struggled with in all this is the modesty aspect.  I am not super shy but I am not showy in what I wear for the most part.  I think being short helps, not a lot of skirts or dresses end up short on me.  I do wear swim suits but try to be mindful of my audience.  I strongly believe we as women have a duty to project ourselves in a becoming way.  And as a married woman I believe some things are for my husbands eyes only.  If everyone gets to see you in a certain why how then can it be special for your spouse. Yes, I will step onto stage in the tiniest of tiny bikinis but I will be in a place that is somewhat appropriate for that.  I do want to use this experience as a motivator for other women, to show what is possible with hard work & determination and to show what I can do with God's help. 

Like a gold ring in a pig's snout

is a beautiful woman without discretion

Proverbs 11:22

Loss and the future

  Most of you have probably heard or read that we recently had the two youngest boys taken & rehomed by CYFD. To say that it was a hard couple of weeks is putting it lightly.  We had known this could happen, we had been warned. But for no one in these kids families to have stepped forward in the 8 months prior we thought it wasn't going to happen. But like we have heard before, sometimes the parents don't tell all the family they have had their kids taken & once it starts looking like they won't get them back they finally spill the beans & seek someone in the family to take the child.

  With the youngest, Ethan, who was 14 months it was the hardest because his worker pretty much has never really been a good communicator & called one day to say a relative had been approved & that they wanted to move him the following day & to let her know a good time. I emailed her, per her request, and received no reply so we went about the next day as usual. She then called me again saying she had returned my email & wanted to know if we could bring him to Albuquerque that night. Now, she did reply to my email, one minute before she called (hello time stamp). So I told her no I didn't have his things together because she hadn't replied the day before.  She asked why I couldn't run & get them - I told her because I am at work.  She proceeded to raise her voice at me (my coworker sitting across from me heard every word) telling me she wasn't going to argue with me & that she could come pick him up. But when I explained how late it would be by the time we got him from daycare and got his things together she changed her mind.  After her ugly phone call I spoke with Travis & let him know all this & that this worker had better not call again, he relayed that to our worker.  So the following evening we took our sweet little guy to the CYFD office where they handed him over to a total stranger. No previous meetings, nada. The lady had a brand new 2 door sports car & asked if she had to go buy diapers. To say we were hurt, shocked & disgusted by the system is putting it mildly. 

  Our other kiddo, Kayden, has made gigantic strides since he came into our care. But sadly we came to the decision he needed a higher level of care than we can provide & his mom & dad are far from being close to getting him back. So we asked our worker to seek out a higher level of care home for him. He needs someone who can stay home with him & run him to appointments & watch his food allergies etc. Little did we know a family member had come forward for him also.  An older lady with a daughter in college. She will stay home with him & was very thankful to us for taking good care of him. She had meet him before - a while back & remarked how well he looked compared to then. We exchanged phone numbers & emails & assured her that we had no problem with her calling if she had questions. Kayden went in the car with her telling us goodbye. I doubt he will ever fully comprehend what has happened but it is what is best for him. She even brought him a puppy to have as a pal. 

  As for CYFD it is broken in our eyes. Not just because the boys are gone but because how things were handled. Overworked staff, short staffed & at times with little compassion. We have always tried to be patient & understanding knowing the few do much. But when we are treated poorly that is not ok & when a worker continues to mess up & make excuses & not take responsibility for their actions that is not ok. 

  So for this family - no more foster kiddos. We are sticking to the ones who are ready for their forever homes. Praying that those kids who are meant to be Willinghams one day will find their way to us.

Where has the time gone?

  Today marks 15yrs that I have been married to my sweety.  15 yrs of love, heart ache, seperation, loss, and so much more.  15 yrs that we we have sacrifieced for eachother and for our family.  To say we have had our ups and downs is putting it mildly.  But in the end all that matters is we love eachother and we have eachother.  This past year along has been tough with adding new kids and Trav working for the guard.  There has been times we both wanted to just run away and hide on a beach somewhere, but hey at least we wanted to go together.

  There is no telling what this next year will hold.  Each one that passes always amazes me.  We work through things, we make things happen we figure stuff out, we enjoy life and try to share that joy with others.  There is a good chance come next year we will be down to only 2 kiddos or who knows maybe we will have 10 (I will be fully medicated but you never know).

  God has blessed us so much in these past 15yrs and to see the things we have faced and over come together and on our own is amazing in it's own right.  There will always be things that come up in a marriage, but you have to remain focused and keep sight of what is real and what is right.  One person can't be the center of the marriage.  Both people have to constantly work, and try and decide this is what they want.  One person can't call the shots, it has to be a team effort and team decision.  You cannot allow outside influences and chatter cloud your view. I am thankful for friends & family who have loved & supported us through all the times in our life.

  I love you Travis forever & ever!

Stepping out of my box

  This competition prep has definitely been a new experience.  I have always been active and tried to eat healthy but when it comes to stepping foot on a stage that is new to me. Yes, I did dance, choir, played sports but that was all as a team, never alone, in a spot light.  I can be girly but I am not a girly girly per se.  I can dress up and pull an outfit together when needed but I also have no issue putting on boots and getting outside and tackling the dirtiest of jobs.  I have never been one to plaster make-up on and curl my hair before heading out, yes I'll put on a bit of concealer and lip gloss but I like the natural look.  So to have to think about make-up, hair, tanning, nails, etc is a bit overwhelming.  Luckily this competition will have hair and make-up people backstage that we can sign up with and they will take care of it.  Because let's be honest, I am going to be tanner than I have ever been so there is no way to know what make-up to use.

  Sitting down and adding up the expenses is a bit overwhelming too.  At the prep camp I attended last weekend they suggested we seek out sponsors or start a gofundme.com account.  All of which is again out of my box.  I hate asking for money.  As a teenager I scrimped and budgeted to pay for my gas and lunches.  I babysat and worked at daycares and goodwill.  So deciding to follow this advise given and seek out help has been hard.  I mean this isn't a need, this isn't a charity, this is just me trying to reach a goal, a dream I have set for myself.  It is not cheap to set foot on stage.  I need a suit, shoes, hair, nails, tan, and jewelry.  They even suggest a back up suit just in case something happens to the first one. I have hired a trainer to help with my nutrition and workout plan along with posing.  We could probably figure a way to cover most of my expenses but having people behind me has helped me keep focused.  It's not just  me invested in this anymore.  I am not one to put my whole life out there for everyone to see.   I don't believe in playing the pity card and counting the woes I have survived especially for gain.  God will bless me in His own way if I keep focused on Him.  Those who seek gratification from the praise of others have their reward in just that.  

  Honestly, I go through phases of "I can totally do this" to "What in the heck am I doing."  My husband has been awesome.  He tells me I am being silly and yes I can do this and to look at how far I have come.  I keep track of the my measurements, weight and body fat and I have seen losses in all areas.  It is hard to look in the mirror everyday and see the changes I have made.  Taking pictures and using those guides I mentioned have helped tremendously.  As I close in on being 12wks out from this competition I remain focused and determined to trust the process and stick to my routine and plan.  I WILL do this and just stepping foot on stage with the knowledge that I accomplished my goal will be all the gratification I need.  I will do this for me with God's help and with Him I can do anything. 

http://www.gofundme.com/jennynichole

Selfish

  I have set myself a new goal. Most would say it's a selfish one. And that's ok, sometimes you have to be selfish. You can only do so much for others for so long until you break.  This is a hard thing for me.  I try to take care of everything & everyone.   This trait is not a strength, it is in fact a weakness.  But over the past few years I have learned to ask for help and more importantly accept it.

  This goal is way outside my comfort zone but one I am focused on.  It requires me to hit the gym 6 times a week, eat a set number of calories and make sure they are balanced in macro nutrients (Fat, Carbs and Protein).  It will cost money and that is also a hard step for me, spending money on myself.  I have no issue buying things for the house, kids, Travis - no problem.  But I always manage to find an excuse when it comes to me.  The past two years I have regularly had my hair done and occasionally my nails.  It was just never a thought before but something I now allow myself to enjoy.

  As moms we often put ourselves last.  Making sure everything and everyone is taken care of.  That leads to one worn out momma.  So I am learning to make time for me.  When Trav was gone it was yoga, that was my time to decompress, no phone, email, kids etc.  I would schedule things around my yoga time I would fight for it because it helped me that much.  It is amazing how you can find time and energy for something when you are focused on it.  I manage to hit the gym 6 times a week by going after work on my half days or during my lunch break and by sneaking off on saturday evenings.  It is a time for me & only me so I can focus on my goal.

  So with each passing week I continue to see improvements in muscle tone, strength, will power.  Not only pounds lost but inches.  Focused on my end goal.  Will I win, doubtful but I will walk across that stage knowing I did everything I could to get up there with confidence and I will enjoy that, trophy or no trophy.

Boys, Boys, Boys!

   We now have three boys living in the house, not including the hubs.  Chloe and I are out numbered.  We have been taken over by blue, and footballs, basketballs, toy cars and planes.  Sports talk and extra energy run rampant throughout this house now.  An increased grocery bill to boot.
But somehow it fits.

  We took in another child a couple weeks ago.  Victor, he is 10yrs old.  It was something that came out of no where. We had been matched with a 3yr old boy before Christmas & were waiting to learn more about him & were asked what our interest in future placements would be. We said, a girl roughly 10-11 or even a small sib group with an older girl. The phone call we got later that week was regarding Victor.  The current foster home he was in could no longer keep him for complicated reasons. So we had about an hour to decide if we would take him. 

  As I stood there in my office with Trav telling me all about this boy, good kid, good student, mom has issues, dad has fallen off the face of the earth, I prayed. I asked God if this was the best fit for us both & to protect this young man as he moved homes once again. So we agreed, my co-workers cheered and laughed because we are a tiny bit crazy. 

  As soon as we got home & we moved Ethan's crib into Kayden's room & the love seat that was once in Kaydens room into what had been an office, guest room & then baby room. Amazing how a room is just a box & can be transformed so easily. Now it was to be a 10 yr olds room.   We made it as comfy as we could on short notice.  The next evening Trav went to CYFD and picked him up.  I felt nervous, we hadn't even so much as seen a picture of him let alone knew anything about him but he was about to be in our home.  I thought how strange this all is, this young man could become our son and how odd it felt to wait for his arrival.  So we tried to make it a fun night.  I ordered pizza from a local place, Mario's because they can do gluten free and no cheese for my special eater Kayden.  But apparently in my haste to rush out the door at work and get pizza, pick up the little ones and get home I ordered the biggest pizza possible.  I mean this thing barely fit in the car.  It was a good ice breaker for sure and a fun memory to look back on.

  Once Trav got him home we unloaded his things from the car, tiny treasures and memories he had carried with him over the course of two years.  We showed him his room and reassured him we would make it into his own space, get rid of the comforter and books and let him put up his things.  He was happy to just have his own room, something he had never experienced before.  It saddens me to think in his short 10yrs all things he has seen and been through and has been able to remain a pretty normal kid.  He has had to be the parent and worries about things his brain can't even begin to understand.  So our job is to let him be a kid, let him experience things and enjoy life.

  So as time has gone by he started a new school and has done well adjusting.  He started playing basketball, something he had never done before. And we opened up a wall in his room to expose a closet that was covered up by the previous owner, luckily it still had the shelf and bar and cedar lining.  This thing is huge! And with time Victor has opened up to us.  We are lucky he is such a good kid, definitely still some work to be done to help him process everything but over all no issues.  He is great with the pets and the little kids.  He and Chloe have hit it off and joke and talk and she already refers to him as her brother and he helps her feed the animals.

  Seeing our home fill up is amazing.  We may not have birthed all these kiddos but they are ours non the less.  God has blessed us immensely and we will continue to pray for his guidance and will in all these situations.

Bacon

  Our pig, lovingly named Bacon.  We had her for over a year.   We got her with intention of raising her for meat, so we always knew that this day would come.  I had mixed feelings for sure, I didn't love her, she wasn't soft and cuddly or sweet.  She was in ever aspect a PIG, she snorted and rooted and escaped from her pen and knocked against you while we were trying to feed her or give her straw for bedding.  She smelled and at one point got mud so caked on her tail I had to take a Benchmade and amputate part of it.  

  No one said having animals was easy.  No one said it is fun.  The day I had to "fix" her tail was not fun, Travis was still gone, Chloe was helping me try to get the mud off and it just wasn't working.  The boys were napping so time was limited.  So ankle deep in mud I made a decision.  It had to just come off.  She didn't even make a peep and with one quick swipe it was done.  Yes, there was blood but she was able to swing her tail once again and didn't seem to mind.  Chloe on the other hand was a bit green when all was said and done.

  Then the day finally came where everyones schedules lined up and Bacon was to meet her end.  The Friday before we researched and prepped and that morning we set up tables and a heater for the garage getting ready for the day.  I have never witnessed anything being killed. I never grew up with a family that hunted.  But, I am not naive enough to think my meat comes from the grocery store in a pretty plastic package, I know what happens to get it there.  We had a wonderful team that day.  A friend from work and her husband and 3 sons and daughter-in-law come out along with another friend and couple teenage boys curious as to what exactly would happen. 

  I had not planned on being out there in the beginning, I didn't know if I could handle it and Chloe had said she didn't want to be out there either.  But things moved fast and as it happened we were.  It was strange.  To see her no longer alive.  I would like to say it was fast but the body doesn't just stop, there are nerve firings and things that must happen that make muscles jerk.  I still have feelings of sadness, not that I miss her but just the feelings of respect that comes from something giving it's life so that you can sustain yours.  It is a sober thought for sure.

  The ladies went inside and let the men and boys handle the front end of the operation.  We made laundry soap and fire starters and joked about our pioneer style day on the farm.  It was a beautiful day outside and really just a great time with friends.  

  I did eventually wonder outside, out of pure curiosity.  I have taken anatomy classes, actually had a fetal pig we had to dissect and keep in a bucket of formaldehyde - it came home with me once.  I see blood at work - I am not squeamish by any means, but it still seemed odd.  As I came into the barn there she was no longer looking like I had once known her and then I was handed a liver.  From that point on things went fast, everyone was in the garage and the guys made work of the meat.  I walked out to the barn and a team was busy at work with cleaning up the "evidence" of what had just taken place out there.  Things were rinsed and shoveled and raked and buried.  Little to no signs remained.

  We got sausage and hams and bacon and tenderloins.  There was a great rhythm going.  Things were cut and passed to either me, the bagger and vacuum sealer or to Kim and her son who cut it into smaller pieces so it could be handed off to Tim who was in charge of the grinder.  Then once things were sealed and a pile formed we took turns running it to the freezer.  We were done in 4 1/2 hours start to finish.  Everyone helped with clean up.  Couldn't have asked for a better day.  

  When all was done we set down and enjoyed pizza and conversation, worn out from the day.  We sent our wonderful helpers off with meat, eggs, laundry soap and fire starters.  A true mountain day.

  

A New Year

 This past year has been a whirlwind to say the least.  Changes all around.  If someone would have told me last year at this time what 2013 would hold I would have laughed.  New additions to the farm, hand injury, 14 yrs married, becoming foster parents and adding 2 boys to our family, going through a last minute deployment and now Chloe being a teenager.  It all seems surreal.

  It is always amazing to me to see how much you can grow over the course of a year.  Learn something new, over come heart ache, take on new challenges.  We have done that this year for sure.  Dealt with family strife, learning about our animals and how to better take care of them, gardening for the first time on a large scale.  Even just having Kayden and Ethan in our home has been a learning experience.

 I have absolutely no clue when it comes to boys.  I have one sister, grew up with girl cousins, yes I had guy friends growing up but never paid attention to what made them tick.  Watching Kayden come out of is shell and start to "grow up", for lack of better term, into an actual 4yr old boy who can communicate and convey his needs and wants and what he doesn't want has been wonderful and odd at the same time.  Trying to decipher what is normal little boy behavior as opposed to the possible signs of autism his workers claimed he has or just the result of years of neglect has been hard.  Along with his special diet of no Gluten or Dairy and when Travis was on the other side of the world I was left asking co-workers and friends, "Is this normal?"

  Now, let's take Ethan, he is a healthy little guy with a healthy appetite and is now moving around pretty well.  He is a mess, getting into things and knowing he is not supposed to.  Again boys!  He actually started climbing up on the hearth around our wood burning stove and after being removed a couple times and telling him no he finally got the picture and actually put himself in timeout.  Now, I couldn't help but laugh, where he couldn't see me of course.  But I had asked him "do you need to sit down?" and he walks over to Kayden's time out corner and sits down.  Boys!

  Marriage, 14 years to be exact.  We have had ups and downs and way downs and ups again.  Today I am proud to say we made it through so very tough times.  God has been good to us and I am excited to see what 2014 holds.