Progress

  It has been almost 10wks since I started on this journey to compete in my first bikini competition.  Looking back it has been a roller coaster ride for sure, a series of ups and downs and fast turns.  Four weeks  in I hired a coach to help me with diet and a weight lifting  program along with posing and all the other stuff that comes with this.  I check in with her weekly with pictures and weight and any issues I may be having and she helps me adjust things.  I have also been blessed to be in touch with an old neighbor of ours that competes in figure competitions and coaches also.  She has been wonderful and has offered tremendous help and support in this whole process.  I went and watched a show this past weekend that she was judging.  Very interesting and fun to see how it all flows and goes together.  Now mind you this show was on a much smaller scale than the one I am going to be in but I walked away with a good insight on what the judges are looking for. Not just body condition but over all appearance & stage presence is very important. 

  I have my suit designed, my theme wear figured out, jewelry purchased and I have my hair and make-up set up.  Still figuring out the whole tanning situation but I have a suggestion on who to use just need to make the call.  I have my nail appointment set up and was lucky enough to be sponsored by my local salon - Tanglz Color Bar!!  I have been amazed at the support both financial & verbal during all this. 

  To say it's been a rough road is an understatement.  The gym has been the easiest part of it all.  I have no issue going to the gym and pushing my self.  I don't need someone there to hold my hand I am hard enough on myself, I won't settle for less than last time.  I push it but am careful to listen to my body. It's one thing to push my limits but it's another thing to break past them. This is a goal & a tough one for sure but it is not worth my health or long term damage to muscle or bone.  I am already dealing with a small injury from a fall almost a year ago where apparently I broke my fibula, it healed perfectly but some flex moves bother it. I have found that kesio tape helps big time. 

    The diet has been the toughest part by far.   I joked with a co-worker the other day that I was over chicken and fish & just wanted a steak and a beer.  She said she would have that steak and beer with me come the end of May.  This is more mental than physical for sure, thinking I can actually do this, I can get my body in shape, and giving up time at home to go to the gym, can I pass on that yummy food for chicken and fish again.  And the answer is yes, yes I can.  I have struggled through way tougher situations than this in the past, deployments, illnesses, college while maintaining a home and family (sometimes alone while Trav was deployed), marital troubles, family shunning, moving to new places and the list goes on and on.  I am strong I am powerful and I can do whatever I put my mind to with God's help. 

  The other issue I have struggled with in all this is the modesty aspect.  I am not super shy but I am not showy in what I wear for the most part.  I think being short helps, not a lot of skirts or dresses end up short on me.  I do wear swim suits but try to be mindful of my audience.  I strongly believe we as women have a duty to project ourselves in a becoming way.  And as a married woman I believe some things are for my husbands eyes only.  If everyone gets to see you in a certain why how then can it be special for your spouse. Yes, I will step onto stage in the tiniest of tiny bikinis but I will be in a place that is somewhat appropriate for that.  I do want to use this experience as a motivator for other women, to show what is possible with hard work & determination and to show what I can do with God's help. 

Like a gold ring in a pig's snout

is a beautiful woman without discretion

Proverbs 11:22

Loss and the future

  Most of you have probably heard or read that we recently had the two youngest boys taken & rehomed by CYFD. To say that it was a hard couple of weeks is putting it lightly.  We had known this could happen, we had been warned. But for no one in these kids families to have stepped forward in the 8 months prior we thought it wasn't going to happen. But like we have heard before, sometimes the parents don't tell all the family they have had their kids taken & once it starts looking like they won't get them back they finally spill the beans & seek someone in the family to take the child.

  With the youngest, Ethan, who was 14 months it was the hardest because his worker pretty much has never really been a good communicator & called one day to say a relative had been approved & that they wanted to move him the following day & to let her know a good time. I emailed her, per her request, and received no reply so we went about the next day as usual. She then called me again saying she had returned my email & wanted to know if we could bring him to Albuquerque that night. Now, she did reply to my email, one minute before she called (hello time stamp). So I told her no I didn't have his things together because she hadn't replied the day before.  She asked why I couldn't run & get them - I told her because I am at work.  She proceeded to raise her voice at me (my coworker sitting across from me heard every word) telling me she wasn't going to argue with me & that she could come pick him up. But when I explained how late it would be by the time we got him from daycare and got his things together she changed her mind.  After her ugly phone call I spoke with Travis & let him know all this & that this worker had better not call again, he relayed that to our worker.  So the following evening we took our sweet little guy to the CYFD office where they handed him over to a total stranger. No previous meetings, nada. The lady had a brand new 2 door sports car & asked if she had to go buy diapers. To say we were hurt, shocked & disgusted by the system is putting it mildly. 

  Our other kiddo, Kayden, has made gigantic strides since he came into our care. But sadly we came to the decision he needed a higher level of care than we can provide & his mom & dad are far from being close to getting him back. So we asked our worker to seek out a higher level of care home for him. He needs someone who can stay home with him & run him to appointments & watch his food allergies etc. Little did we know a family member had come forward for him also.  An older lady with a daughter in college. She will stay home with him & was very thankful to us for taking good care of him. She had meet him before - a while back & remarked how well he looked compared to then. We exchanged phone numbers & emails & assured her that we had no problem with her calling if she had questions. Kayden went in the car with her telling us goodbye. I doubt he will ever fully comprehend what has happened but it is what is best for him. She even brought him a puppy to have as a pal. 

  As for CYFD it is broken in our eyes. Not just because the boys are gone but because how things were handled. Overworked staff, short staffed & at times with little compassion. We have always tried to be patient & understanding knowing the few do much. But when we are treated poorly that is not ok & when a worker continues to mess up & make excuses & not take responsibility for their actions that is not ok. 

  So for this family - no more foster kiddos. We are sticking to the ones who are ready for their forever homes. Praying that those kids who are meant to be Willinghams one day will find their way to us.

Where has the time gone?

  Today marks 15yrs that I have been married to my sweety.  15 yrs of love, heart ache, seperation, loss, and so much more.  15 yrs that we we have sacrifieced for eachother and for our family.  To say we have had our ups and downs is putting it mildly.  But in the end all that matters is we love eachother and we have eachother.  This past year along has been tough with adding new kids and Trav working for the guard.  There has been times we both wanted to just run away and hide on a beach somewhere, but hey at least we wanted to go together.

  There is no telling what this next year will hold.  Each one that passes always amazes me.  We work through things, we make things happen we figure stuff out, we enjoy life and try to share that joy with others.  There is a good chance come next year we will be down to only 2 kiddos or who knows maybe we will have 10 (I will be fully medicated but you never know).

  God has blessed us so much in these past 15yrs and to see the things we have faced and over come together and on our own is amazing in it's own right.  There will always be things that come up in a marriage, but you have to remain focused and keep sight of what is real and what is right.  One person can't be the center of the marriage.  Both people have to constantly work, and try and decide this is what they want.  One person can't call the shots, it has to be a team effort and team decision.  You cannot allow outside influences and chatter cloud your view. I am thankful for friends & family who have loved & supported us through all the times in our life.

  I love you Travis forever & ever!

Stepping out of my box

  This competition prep has definitely been a new experience.  I have always been active and tried to eat healthy but when it comes to stepping foot on a stage that is new to me. Yes, I did dance, choir, played sports but that was all as a team, never alone, in a spot light.  I can be girly but I am not a girly girly per se.  I can dress up and pull an outfit together when needed but I also have no issue putting on boots and getting outside and tackling the dirtiest of jobs.  I have never been one to plaster make-up on and curl my hair before heading out, yes I'll put on a bit of concealer and lip gloss but I like the natural look.  So to have to think about make-up, hair, tanning, nails, etc is a bit overwhelming.  Luckily this competition will have hair and make-up people backstage that we can sign up with and they will take care of it.  Because let's be honest, I am going to be tanner than I have ever been so there is no way to know what make-up to use.

  Sitting down and adding up the expenses is a bit overwhelming too.  At the prep camp I attended last weekend they suggested we seek out sponsors or start a gofundme.com account.  All of which is again out of my box.  I hate asking for money.  As a teenager I scrimped and budgeted to pay for my gas and lunches.  I babysat and worked at daycares and goodwill.  So deciding to follow this advise given and seek out help has been hard.  I mean this isn't a need, this isn't a charity, this is just me trying to reach a goal, a dream I have set for myself.  It is not cheap to set foot on stage.  I need a suit, shoes, hair, nails, tan, and jewelry.  They even suggest a back up suit just in case something happens to the first one. I have hired a trainer to help with my nutrition and workout plan along with posing.  We could probably figure a way to cover most of my expenses but having people behind me has helped me keep focused.  It's not just  me invested in this anymore.  I am not one to put my whole life out there for everyone to see.   I don't believe in playing the pity card and counting the woes I have survived especially for gain.  God will bless me in His own way if I keep focused on Him.  Those who seek gratification from the praise of others have their reward in just that.  

  Honestly, I go through phases of "I can totally do this" to "What in the heck am I doing."  My husband has been awesome.  He tells me I am being silly and yes I can do this and to look at how far I have come.  I keep track of the my measurements, weight and body fat and I have seen losses in all areas.  It is hard to look in the mirror everyday and see the changes I have made.  Taking pictures and using those guides I mentioned have helped tremendously.  As I close in on being 12wks out from this competition I remain focused and determined to trust the process and stick to my routine and plan.  I WILL do this and just stepping foot on stage with the knowledge that I accomplished my goal will be all the gratification I need.  I will do this for me with God's help and with Him I can do anything. 

http://www.gofundme.com/jennynichole

Selfish

  I have set myself a new goal. Most would say it's a selfish one. And that's ok, sometimes you have to be selfish. You can only do so much for others for so long until you break.  This is a hard thing for me.  I try to take care of everything & everyone.   This trait is not a strength, it is in fact a weakness.  But over the past few years I have learned to ask for help and more importantly accept it.

  This goal is way outside my comfort zone but one I am focused on.  It requires me to hit the gym 6 times a week, eat a set number of calories and make sure they are balanced in macro nutrients (Fat, Carbs and Protein).  It will cost money and that is also a hard step for me, spending money on myself.  I have no issue buying things for the house, kids, Travis - no problem.  But I always manage to find an excuse when it comes to me.  The past two years I have regularly had my hair done and occasionally my nails.  It was just never a thought before but something I now allow myself to enjoy.

  As moms we often put ourselves last.  Making sure everything and everyone is taken care of.  That leads to one worn out momma.  So I am learning to make time for me.  When Trav was gone it was yoga, that was my time to decompress, no phone, email, kids etc.  I would schedule things around my yoga time I would fight for it because it helped me that much.  It is amazing how you can find time and energy for something when you are focused on it.  I manage to hit the gym 6 times a week by going after work on my half days or during my lunch break and by sneaking off on saturday evenings.  It is a time for me & only me so I can focus on my goal.

  So with each passing week I continue to see improvements in muscle tone, strength, will power.  Not only pounds lost but inches.  Focused on my end goal.  Will I win, doubtful but I will walk across that stage knowing I did everything I could to get up there with confidence and I will enjoy that, trophy or no trophy.

Boys, Boys, Boys!

   We now have three boys living in the house, not including the hubs.  Chloe and I are out numbered.  We have been taken over by blue, and footballs, basketballs, toy cars and planes.  Sports talk and extra energy run rampant throughout this house now.  An increased grocery bill to boot.
But somehow it fits.

  We took in another child a couple weeks ago.  Victor, he is 10yrs old.  It was something that came out of no where. We had been matched with a 3yr old boy before Christmas & were waiting to learn more about him & were asked what our interest in future placements would be. We said, a girl roughly 10-11 or even a small sib group with an older girl. The phone call we got later that week was regarding Victor.  The current foster home he was in could no longer keep him for complicated reasons. So we had about an hour to decide if we would take him. 

  As I stood there in my office with Trav telling me all about this boy, good kid, good student, mom has issues, dad has fallen off the face of the earth, I prayed. I asked God if this was the best fit for us both & to protect this young man as he moved homes once again. So we agreed, my co-workers cheered and laughed because we are a tiny bit crazy. 

  As soon as we got home & we moved Ethan's crib into Kayden's room & the love seat that was once in Kaydens room into what had been an office, guest room & then baby room. Amazing how a room is just a box & can be transformed so easily. Now it was to be a 10 yr olds room.   We made it as comfy as we could on short notice.  The next evening Trav went to CYFD and picked him up.  I felt nervous, we hadn't even so much as seen a picture of him let alone knew anything about him but he was about to be in our home.  I thought how strange this all is, this young man could become our son and how odd it felt to wait for his arrival.  So we tried to make it a fun night.  I ordered pizza from a local place, Mario's because they can do gluten free and no cheese for my special eater Kayden.  But apparently in my haste to rush out the door at work and get pizza, pick up the little ones and get home I ordered the biggest pizza possible.  I mean this thing barely fit in the car.  It was a good ice breaker for sure and a fun memory to look back on.

  Once Trav got him home we unloaded his things from the car, tiny treasures and memories he had carried with him over the course of two years.  We showed him his room and reassured him we would make it into his own space, get rid of the comforter and books and let him put up his things.  He was happy to just have his own room, something he had never experienced before.  It saddens me to think in his short 10yrs all things he has seen and been through and has been able to remain a pretty normal kid.  He has had to be the parent and worries about things his brain can't even begin to understand.  So our job is to let him be a kid, let him experience things and enjoy life.

  So as time has gone by he started a new school and has done well adjusting.  He started playing basketball, something he had never done before. And we opened up a wall in his room to expose a closet that was covered up by the previous owner, luckily it still had the shelf and bar and cedar lining.  This thing is huge! And with time Victor has opened up to us.  We are lucky he is such a good kid, definitely still some work to be done to help him process everything but over all no issues.  He is great with the pets and the little kids.  He and Chloe have hit it off and joke and talk and she already refers to him as her brother and he helps her feed the animals.

  Seeing our home fill up is amazing.  We may not have birthed all these kiddos but they are ours non the less.  God has blessed us immensely and we will continue to pray for his guidance and will in all these situations.

Bacon

  Our pig, lovingly named Bacon.  We had her for over a year.   We got her with intention of raising her for meat, so we always knew that this day would come.  I had mixed feelings for sure, I didn't love her, she wasn't soft and cuddly or sweet.  She was in ever aspect a PIG, she snorted and rooted and escaped from her pen and knocked against you while we were trying to feed her or give her straw for bedding.  She smelled and at one point got mud so caked on her tail I had to take a Benchmade and amputate part of it.  

  No one said having animals was easy.  No one said it is fun.  The day I had to "fix" her tail was not fun, Travis was still gone, Chloe was helping me try to get the mud off and it just wasn't working.  The boys were napping so time was limited.  So ankle deep in mud I made a decision.  It had to just come off.  She didn't even make a peep and with one quick swipe it was done.  Yes, there was blood but she was able to swing her tail once again and didn't seem to mind.  Chloe on the other hand was a bit green when all was said and done.

  Then the day finally came where everyones schedules lined up and Bacon was to meet her end.  The Friday before we researched and prepped and that morning we set up tables and a heater for the garage getting ready for the day.  I have never witnessed anything being killed. I never grew up with a family that hunted.  But, I am not naive enough to think my meat comes from the grocery store in a pretty plastic package, I know what happens to get it there.  We had a wonderful team that day.  A friend from work and her husband and 3 sons and daughter-in-law come out along with another friend and couple teenage boys curious as to what exactly would happen. 

  I had not planned on being out there in the beginning, I didn't know if I could handle it and Chloe had said she didn't want to be out there either.  But things moved fast and as it happened we were.  It was strange.  To see her no longer alive.  I would like to say it was fast but the body doesn't just stop, there are nerve firings and things that must happen that make muscles jerk.  I still have feelings of sadness, not that I miss her but just the feelings of respect that comes from something giving it's life so that you can sustain yours.  It is a sober thought for sure.

  The ladies went inside and let the men and boys handle the front end of the operation.  We made laundry soap and fire starters and joked about our pioneer style day on the farm.  It was a beautiful day outside and really just a great time with friends.  

  I did eventually wonder outside, out of pure curiosity.  I have taken anatomy classes, actually had a fetal pig we had to dissect and keep in a bucket of formaldehyde - it came home with me once.  I see blood at work - I am not squeamish by any means, but it still seemed odd.  As I came into the barn there she was no longer looking like I had once known her and then I was handed a liver.  From that point on things went fast, everyone was in the garage and the guys made work of the meat.  I walked out to the barn and a team was busy at work with cleaning up the "evidence" of what had just taken place out there.  Things were rinsed and shoveled and raked and buried.  Little to no signs remained.

  We got sausage and hams and bacon and tenderloins.  There was a great rhythm going.  Things were cut and passed to either me, the bagger and vacuum sealer or to Kim and her son who cut it into smaller pieces so it could be handed off to Tim who was in charge of the grinder.  Then once things were sealed and a pile formed we took turns running it to the freezer.  We were done in 4 1/2 hours start to finish.  Everyone helped with clean up.  Couldn't have asked for a better day.  

  When all was done we set down and enjoyed pizza and conversation, worn out from the day.  We sent our wonderful helpers off with meat, eggs, laundry soap and fire starters.  A true mountain day.