It was inevitable. . .

   It happened, my first break down. It was inevitable. Out of no where and full force and of course at work.  I knew it would come, it always does, but this was out of no were.  We aren't even into the meat of this deployment yet.  But there I was crying outside my office Wednesday morning.

  I had a busy day to say the least on Tuesday.  Up early with plans to work out - but that didn't pan out.  Somehow little ones sense when you are about to be productive and they are asleep.  So I got the baby settled and lay back down for a bit more sleep.  Up again at 6am, getting 3 kids up, 2 kids dressed and ready 2 diaper bags packed and 2 lunches packed and on the road by 7am.  Up the mountain to daycare, dropped the boys off.  Down the mountain, dropped Chloe off at school, then swung by the recycling center and finally headed to work.  Had a full day of patients then headed back up the mountain to get the boys, went home grabbed Chloe, dropped her off at guitar practice, ran to the grocery store, picked Chloe back up and headed home to feed, bathe and put boys to bed.  I was gone for 12hrs, 12 long, busy hours full of driving, cleaning teeth and running errands.  I didn't get to bed until 11 and had been looking forward to an email from the hubby all day.  But I knew with the time difference it wouldn't be until the next morning.  I went to bed knowing I was facing another busy day of driving and patients, exhausted already.

   When I woke up nothing, nada, no sign of communication.  This was apparently the straw that broke the camels back.  I was mad, jealous and sad to say the least.  I mean I am here dealing with kids and life and house and work and loosing sleep and he is off enjoying a nice quiet hotel room in Japan.  Just the other day I was thinking how great I was doing, yes I missed him terribly, but things were going good, the boys were getting on a schedule , Chloe was starting school and I was getting a plan together to take care of me by eating right and exercising.  Somehow all that had slipped away.

  Not totally sure what set me off, most likely fatigue was the culprit.  But I stuffed it down and started on my day.  As I got to work things started bubbling up.  I had a co-worker offer to be added to my list of approved sitters for the boys and I lost it. She knew I needed help and I hate needing help.  I had to step outside. The hardest thing for me is to acknowledge I can't do it all, I am not superwoman.   I texted my wonderful friend Kristen who lives in Florida, she reminded me that things happen, communication lines fail, people get busy, things constantly change especially with the Air Force.  I felt better but I still longed to hear from him.

  And I did, Wednesday night he called and told me it will all be ok, it will get better.  And then explained how he had to be up supper early and wasn't adjusted to time change yet and then was made to change hotels so he just hadn't had the time and he was sorry. Logically I knew all of those things were a possibility but something got to me and that was that.  

  I honestly think that all of the technology has made things more difficult during deployments.  I mean when we did our first deployment we did not have Skype, IM, facebook and barely had email.  So I would wait for calls and letters, yes I was devestated if I got home and had missed a call - yes no cell phone either!!  But I didn't have all these routes of technology to check and see if he was on line or had emailed or had checked email.  You can drive yourself nuts checking this stuff all day and the worst thing is not knowing what is going on.  Now more often then not it is just some simple thing nothing big or horific like my brain likes to think, that is why my imagination is my biggest enemy.  But for now I will survive, I will gather myself and press on and know it is ok to breakdown and to ask for help.