My Birthday

My Birthday, August 30 th, for some reason a day the Air Force loves.  It has become a joke with us because it is rare that Travis will be home on my birthday.  So this birthday was like so many in the past.  He is gone and actually started his travel to Afghan on my day.

The day before my birthday was like any other day, I got up got the boys ready, was all set to leave early so I could make it to Crossfit after dropping the boys off at daycare.  But Bacon, our pig, had other plans.  She was out of her pen again, luckily she just hangs out in the horse corral and doesn't wonder off but we couldn't just leave her out.  So I donned my mucking boots and went out there to help Chloe get Bacon back in her pen and reinforce the weak spot.  This took a while.  By the time we were done I had to take the boys to daycare and then come back for Chloe and take her to school, no Crossfit workout for me.  I left dropping Chloe off and headed to town to get coffee and to look at new daycare for the boys.  CYFD wanted to move them closer to town to make it easier for pick ups and visits.   After I left there and ran by hobby lobby I headed home to work on organizing the garage and hunting down some things for Trav.  No such luck - Daycare called and Ethan, our youngest kiddo, was sick.  He had a fever and runny nose and had had 2 yucky diapers.  So I headed to get the boys from daycare.  The kicker was that since he was sick he couldn't return for 24hrs - meaning he would be home with me on my b-day.  The day I had been looking forward to, the day I had nothing planned but just doing whatever I wanted and enjoying some peace and quiet.  Maybe going shopping with no one whining at me or saying I am hungry and I need this or that.

I will not lie, I was upset, I was angry, I shed tears.  All I had wanted was one day, one day with no lists, no errands that had to be completed, one day alone to do something for myself.  Now logically I knew it was not the end of the world, but I had been looking forward to this day, building it up, telling myself I know my husband is gone and most of my friends have moved or live else where but I can still have a good day.  After I spoke to my husband that night he reminded me that things happen for a reason, kind of has been the theme of this deployment.  So I sucked it up, I was determined to have a good day and knew only I could control that.

I woke up got everyone ready and took Kayden to daycare and Chloe to school.  Ethan and I spent the rest of the day working in the garage and then going into town to drop something by UPS, pick up race packets and we ended up at the mall.  He was wonderful, sleeping on and off, smiling and laughing even though his little eyes were red from allergies.  And even though it was a bit more work loading and unloading him and the stroller and all the things that comes with babies it was a good day.  We picked Chloe up from school and went home so that her and I could work on our shirts for the Dirty Dash (5k mud run) that we would be doing the following day.  We tie dyed them and came up with a design and finished them up.  Then off we went again to get Kayden and pick up dinner - I wanted a chicken and cheese enchilada with green chile and chips and guacamole for dinner.  Once the boys were in bed we enjoyed our dinner and watched a movie and had some quiet.  My day had been wonderful in its own way.  I was able to go to town and enjoy some shopping and enjoy my dinner and some time with my daughter.  I received some flowers from a wonderful friend and I even got a call from my sweet husband that evening.  I have not given up on having my day but for now this was good enough.

To finish off the birthday celbration Chloe and I participated in the Dirty Dash on Saturday and had a blast.  At first Chloe was nervous and actually said she didn't want to do it any more.  I laugh because that girl is too much like me, we both like to know what to expect and what is going to happen.  So we actually ended up going a bit early so she couldn't have any more time to think about it.  First off we had to run through a mud pit and we slipped and splashed and laughed and we continued on.  She did awesome, we ran a bit and she attempted all the obstacles, only one got the better of her, the monkey bars.  On a positive note I conquered those bars - my personal triumph.  I have never been able to do those things and I did them all in one motion and without falling.  A good end to this birthday.

Before

After

The first week

  So my first week, it is usually the hardest one when trying to establish a workout and eating plan but I made it!  Down 4 lbs already.  

  So Monday I worked my half day and went for a trail run, sounds easy doesn't it.  Well, not so much.  I got changed, headed out to find a trail a friend had told me about, no luck so I turned around and headed towards the National forest by our house but first had to stop by the house to get some money for parking.  This is one of the things we did not get accomplished before Travis left - with him being militrary he gets a pass for us but we were not able to knock it off the list.  So once I parked and found a trail it was great, just a detour to get there. 

   Tuesday and Wednesday were like any other day -work all day  

  Thursday, I had to take Kayden to his parental visit, then to the audiologist for part of his screening for preschool.  He wouldn't let them do the regular ear bud in the ear test so we had to go sit in a sound booth, then I had to hold him so they could do some more tests in his ears, that earnd him chick-fil-a for lunch.  Then back to the daycare for him so I could get my hair done.  

  Friday, I went back to crossfit.  I thought I was going to die.  We ran and squated and normally I would do a few puffs on my inhaler before hand but I couldn't find it and I hadn't needed it in a long time but I could have used it that day for sure.  So what does any sane person who just finished torture do?  Hot Yoga?  Why yes you are right!  As I was driving there I was going through the I feel dizzy, I feel nauseated, should I do this,  I should just go home this is nuts thoughts.  But I went and it was great, I got there early like always and just lay on my mat and became acclimated to the heat then we did all the moves and stretches, some a bit harder than usual but still felt good.  I sweated buckets, but it felt good.  I went home showered and worked on organizing my bedroom.  Then loaded up with a friend and I went to Chloe's school for a watermelon tail gate.  

  Saturday, we got up and went to get hay again and unloaded it, farm girls.  We then got ready and went to a birthday party on base.  Pool never opened but we still had fun, Kayden did amazing - no freak outs over balloons and he ate his specially made for him pizza and his cookies I brought him and never wondered why his food was different.  I did slip up a bit on my diet here, I ate a piece of pizza, only because once we were there I realized I never ate breakfast & only had coffee.  He played at the park and had fun.  We left and both boys were asleep in the car by the time we hit the highway.  So thankful for Chloe, she ran into petsmart and purchased her chinchilla food.  She has done this for me a couple times at different places, she looks so much older and knows how to use the debit card so no one seems to question it - hope that doesn't come back to bite me.

   Which brings me to Sunday my cheat day - we got up and went to Einstiens for bagels, I didn't get one, just Chloe did.  I did get a vanilla latte though.  The real deal, not skinny, not soy, real stuff.  Then once in Sunday school I ate breakfast casserole, yummy gooey, cheesey, green chili filled breakfast casserole.  We left church and went to the mall were I got a strawberry Orange Julius and once home I made dinner but only ate the guacamole that was meant for the burgers with some chips and a beer.  Which I drank 4 sips of.  I am such a rebel!!

  So week one is down & I am well on the way through my second week.  I feel good, have energy & have been sleeping wonderfully.  Yea for a healthy life!
  

Getting serious

  We always do this, he leaves for months at a time and works out and eats healthy and I do the same here on the home front.  Now given I do have a few more cheat days, I am sure but I have more avenues available and he has limited resources when he is away.  But for some reason we get back together and boom we hit our lazy streak.  Workout? Nah, let's watch a movie in bed.  Cook a healthy meal? Nah, let's order take out so we can be lazy on the couch after a long day of work and not seeing each other.  We actually did pretty well after his last deployment we started doing Crossfit and went strict Paleo, but then he left for TX for NCOA (Non Commissioned Office Academy) and even though I continued on the track  he just couldn't fit it in.  We tried to continue once he returned, but financially it was tough and on top of that we were driving 45min there and then 45min back supper early in the morning.  Then the holidays hit and family and parties, etc.  So now we are back to square one, determined to keep it up and become those freaks that everyone will talk about  "Why aren't they eating that?" & "Did they really just go for a run?" & "She lifts weights??"

  So like I said we have done strict Paleo before and I felt awesome, crazy energy, slimmer.  And lately we have played on the border of it, on again off again, never hitting it supper hard.  With how busy we are and traveling, and having company etc it makes it hard.  But as of Monday I am back to strict paleo and getting my butt back on a workout schedule.  I tried the get up supper early and workout before the kids wake up, but that didn't happen.  Those little buggers have a radar that tells them "She's up, we need to be too".

                                                                                   

                                                                                  So now my plan of attack is this:

       Monday:  Trail run after work plus some core excersices (I usually only work a half day)

       Tuesday and Wednesday: Community center for workout if work schedule allows at lunch time

       Thursday: Crossfit in the a.m. and hike with Chloe after school (Hot yoga on this day if I have to work friday)

        Friday:  Crossfit in the a.m. and hot yoga directly after

        Saturday: Walk/Hike with all kiddos

  Now, I know, it doesn't look too intense and that is good. I want to stick to it.  I pretty much don't sit still until bed time anyway so that has helped keep the weight off but I need to tone up and the Hot Yoga just relaxes me in an insane way.  An hour and a half of no cell phone, no mom I need this, no email, no FB, no distraction, just peace and quiet and focusing on relieving stress and stretching.  
I LOVE IT!!!  
  As much as I dread going back to Crossfit with Trav gone and starting over I am looking forward to the pay off.  I was in the best shape I have ever been when we were doing Crossfit, I was seeing progress in my lifts and runs and I liked being able to say I lifted more than that guy or I finished the workout before him.  Calluses and cuts became the norm and bruises showed I was working hard.  So bring it on, I am ready to get back into this.



On the Paleo topic, I know there are those who say, "But, I love bread! I could never give it up" or the same about cheese, milk etc.  Honestly after the first week I don't even think about it.  I actually start to crave fruit and veggies and meat.  Especially when I lift heavy - steak was my treat and some times beer, I know not Paleo but sometimes a girl just needs a steak and a nice dark beer after killing a workout.  And the girl who normally ruined a great cut of meat by making sure it was no longer mooing began to want a medium to medium well steak.  It is amazing how creative you get with Paleo too, I have some recipes that are intense and a little time consuming but for the most part it is, meat, veggies and fruit.  Simple as that.


I took pictures of myself in my cute Victoria Secret swim suit monday and weighed and measured so I will have a good starting point (I will spare you the pics).  I plan on measuring and picture taking monthly and weighing weekly to see my progress.  So stay tuned for updates and see how I am progressing.

Country girls can survive

So I bought this ladder at a flea market with the idea of hanging it in my laundry room for a drying rack.  The issue became how to hang it where to hang it so it wasn't a nusence  - I am shorter than my hubby by a foot and now even my 12yr old is taller than me.  I am no dwarf by any means but 5'2" has it limitations, I suppose.  So it sat and sat and one day I was outside and thought why not hang it off the well house and next spring we can hang plants on it in hanging baskets. And Boom! Done!

We have had the workings of this contraption for a good month now. It is a chicken watering system the idea is they drink out of the individual nipples.  We will see how it works but should be nice and a lot easier than the previous waterer where we had to get in the coop to retrieve it and then fill it and replace it without loosing any chickens in the process.  Right now we have it in there so the chickens can check it out and I will have to make some adjustments to figure a small leak out but I think it will be a good thing in the end.





Hay, or grass because that is what this actually is, is a necessity when you have 2 horses and a donkey. No, I didn't load it but I unloaded it, well Chloe helped, sparking the first "why did Dad have to leave" comment.  I like driving the big truck and seeing all the crazy looks of "little woman in giant truck" and then getting out the tie down straps and securing it before we take off, I am sure there were some nervous fellas as we left the feed store.

This garden has been a wonderful experience.  Watching things grow from simple seeds to food is such a wonder.  Seeing God work in our own back yard is so awesome.  I enjoy weeding, I just don't have enough time, it could be a full time job especially after the rain we had a few weeks ago.  But by getting some dirt under my nails I will get it cleaned up, slowly but it will happen.

 All of these things are just a few of what goes on around here no matter who is here or not.  Chloe and I have always done things around the house and yard, so Trav being gone is no different but I do miss saying to him "Hey, can you lift that heavy thing" or "Can you reach that high thing" but these country girls will survive.

It was inevitable. . .

   It happened, my first break down. It was inevitable. Out of no where and full force and of course at work.  I knew it would come, it always does, but this was out of no were.  We aren't even into the meat of this deployment yet.  But there I was crying outside my office Wednesday morning.

  I had a busy day to say the least on Tuesday.  Up early with plans to work out - but that didn't pan out.  Somehow little ones sense when you are about to be productive and they are asleep.  So I got the baby settled and lay back down for a bit more sleep.  Up again at 6am, getting 3 kids up, 2 kids dressed and ready 2 diaper bags packed and 2 lunches packed and on the road by 7am.  Up the mountain to daycare, dropped the boys off.  Down the mountain, dropped Chloe off at school, then swung by the recycling center and finally headed to work.  Had a full day of patients then headed back up the mountain to get the boys, went home grabbed Chloe, dropped her off at guitar practice, ran to the grocery store, picked Chloe back up and headed home to feed, bathe and put boys to bed.  I was gone for 12hrs, 12 long, busy hours full of driving, cleaning teeth and running errands.  I didn't get to bed until 11 and had been looking forward to an email from the hubby all day.  But I knew with the time difference it wouldn't be until the next morning.  I went to bed knowing I was facing another busy day of driving and patients, exhausted already.

   When I woke up nothing, nada, no sign of communication.  This was apparently the straw that broke the camels back.  I was mad, jealous and sad to say the least.  I mean I am here dealing with kids and life and house and work and loosing sleep and he is off enjoying a nice quiet hotel room in Japan.  Just the other day I was thinking how great I was doing, yes I missed him terribly, but things were going good, the boys were getting on a schedule , Chloe was starting school and I was getting a plan together to take care of me by eating right and exercising.  Somehow all that had slipped away.

  Not totally sure what set me off, most likely fatigue was the culprit.  But I stuffed it down and started on my day.  As I got to work things started bubbling up.  I had a co-worker offer to be added to my list of approved sitters for the boys and I lost it. She knew I needed help and I hate needing help.  I had to step outside. The hardest thing for me is to acknowledge I can't do it all, I am not superwoman.   I texted my wonderful friend Kristen who lives in Florida, she reminded me that things happen, communication lines fail, people get busy, things constantly change especially with the Air Force.  I felt better but I still longed to hear from him.

  And I did, Wednesday night he called and told me it will all be ok, it will get better.  And then explained how he had to be up supper early and wasn't adjusted to time change yet and then was made to change hotels so he just hadn't had the time and he was sorry. Logically I knew all of those things were a possibility but something got to me and that was that.  

  I honestly think that all of the technology has made things more difficult during deployments.  I mean when we did our first deployment we did not have Skype, IM, facebook and barely had email.  So I would wait for calls and letters, yes I was devestated if I got home and had missed a call - yes no cell phone either!!  But I didn't have all these routes of technology to check and see if he was on line or had emailed or had checked email.  You can drive yourself nuts checking this stuff all day and the worst thing is not knowing what is going on.  Now more often then not it is just some simple thing nothing big or horific like my brain likes to think, that is why my imagination is my biggest enemy.  But for now I will survive, I will gather myself and press on and know it is ok to breakdown and to ask for help.

My Job

  

As a Dental Hygienist, I know that some people wonder how I do what I do and even cringe.  Heck even my own mother who is a pediatric nurse and has worked in the ER wonders.  But I love my job,  I have a great boss, great co-workers and great patients but some days there are just those few patients who get to you.  

That is what sparked this. . .  Enjoy! 

What your hygienist would like to tell you. . . 

1. I cannot fix in 1hr what it took you 10yrs to build up
2. I can tell if you floss regularly, don’t lie to me
3. Yes, I know it hurts, but if you would brush and floss properly you wouldn’t have that issue
4. Jumping is not a good idea when I have sharp metal objects in your mouth
5.   Don’t act all disgusted by swallowing your salvia, I haven’t added anything you didn’t come in with
6.   I really don’t want to know how long ago you had popcorn when I tell you I found a piece under your gum
7. “No, you’re not bleeding” - really means it looks like you were just in a bar fight and lost
8. I don’t care how long it has been since your last cleaning, I just want to clean them
9. I am not your therapist
10.   Dental x-rays are not your problem - you look a leather sofa, and smoke a pack a day
11.   Where is your problem area?  Everywhere
12.   Don’t be so dramatic, it’s a teeth cleaning not surgery
13.   Nitrous, really??
14.   Please tell me how sensitive your teeth are while I spray them with cold water and     you don’t flinch
15. When I ask if there are any health changes tell me, don’t wait for the dentist to walk in to say you had a heart attack yesterday
16.   Yes psychiatric care counts as “under the care of a physician” 
17.   Please learn the names of your meds, yes I need to know them, yes they can effect your teeth
18.   Yes, your teeth are the first thing I noticed about you
19.   No, I don’t mind if you sleep, I actually prefer it
20.   I know you are looking at my boobs

A Vet??

  As I dropped off Travis at the airport at 5 am this morning, it marked the 11th time we have done this.  Now, that is 11 times he has gone over seas to defend this country.  That does not count the numerous times he has had to be gone stateside for training and exercises and what not, I have lost track of those.  There was time early in our marriage that I had a good idea of how many times he had been away and how it reflected more time apart than together.  But you can't dwell on that.  To see people who have a spouse deployed constantly saying, "whoa is me" and this happened and that happened because he is gone is ridiculous.  Yes, crazy things occur in life and yes they seem to creep in a bit more when a deployment is in progress but you will get stuck in a negative place if you keep that attitude.

  I had a friend tell me she will be hitting me up during her husbands up coming deployment with questions and for support since I am a "vet" at this.  To me this is laughable, I don't consider myself a professional at this at all.  We have a routine for sure.  He sets stuff out and I pack it.  I can take a crap load of stuff and fit it in a bag - now the bag will weigh a ton but it will contain all he needs.  I write little notes and tuck them away in his things so he finds them at different times throughout his trip and I write a letter or card and tuck it in there too.  We email and Skype and he calls when he can, which is wonderful but it is funny to think back to our first deployment.  Email was around but not as widely used as today so we hand wrote letters, yes, paper, pen, stamps and envelopes every day.  We were lucky enough to have a DSN phone near his room that he could call directly to a stateside base and we could talk.  But I still cry as I pull away from the airport, I still keep a shirt of his tucked under my pillow so I can catch a whiff of his scent as I fall asleep.  There has not been one deployment that has been like another.  With every new one comes a different set of challenges and circumstances.  These are the times God uses to grow us the most.

  One of the biggest obstacles for me is not that he is gone, not that I am doing things alone but the looks people give you when they find out.  I am not an invalid and if you knew an ounce about our relationship you would know I do most of it already, even when he is here.  I can swing a hammer, I can use power tools, I have no issue getting muddy or dirty and mucking out stalls in the barn, I organize and cook and run errands.  I just like having him here for love and support and to help.  But the pitiful looks and those who don't understand why we do what we do cuts the deepest.  The comments of "He has to go back?" or "Why him?" are not something I can answer.  They will never understand, even some of our family who has been there through it all still doesn't totally get it.  I get pressure from a few of them as to why he hasn't called or email them and am made to feel like it is a chore for them to call me, but I am over that. It's not about them.  All that matters is that he contacts me, it's not like he is sitting over there eating bonbons and at the spa.

  I usually try to plan projects or have even learned new things while he has been gone.  I have worked on sewing and learned to knit, attempted guitar and have organized and purged numerous houses always rearranging furniture in the process.  It helps to keep busy and work towards something, if you just around a stew and worry you will drive yourself crazy.  There are already enough crazy military wives out there I don't need to join them.

Daughter

  I just registered our sweet beautiful daughter, Chloe, for 7th grade yesterday.  I think back to when we were first married and how badly I wanted I child. You ask Trav and he will tell you how I would cry and pray for one.  Then after he returned from his first deployment and a couple months of trying later we were expecting.  She has been a blessing since that very day.  I joke how easy of a pregnancy she was and how easy her birth was and the toddler years, potty trained by 18mos, even now that she is 12 she is an easy kid so something big must be coming around the bend.  

  She was born the day after Christmas on the worse snow storm Kansas and Oklahoma had seen and we actually had to stay in a hotel near the hospital on Christmas Day in order to be there bright and early the next day so I could be induced.  Our family, all living in KS at the time, drove down to Oklahoma in those conditions to be able to meet our little bundle of joy.  Some visiting from Florida even who had never seen snow.  I think back now at how naive we were.  How I knew just enough to keep me and her healthy, like what to avoid eating and what things were normal as pregnancies progress.  Now I hear horror stories and learn all the things that could go wrong and it scares you.  We had one test come back saying there was a possibility she could have down syndrome and I remember very clearly calling Trav on the phone, who was out of town with my dad at the time, and explaining this to him.  He immediately started back home. I called my mom to cry and ask questions.  She simply told me if the tests show she has down syndrome she will still be the most loved little girl and everything will be ok.  I felt comforted in knowing I had support and that yes no matter the out come this was my child and God had given her to me.  We did a amniocentesis and a level 2 ultra sound and as we sat there scared, young, away from our family we held hands watching as they looked her over and stuck me with the biggest needle possible.  They conformed we were having little girl and told us we would have to wait for the results of the amniocentesis.  It was hard waiting, not because it would change the out come of this pregnancy, not that we had any thoughts of termination or loving this child any less, but just the unknown.  I am very much a planner and I like to know what is going to happen and I like to be prepared.

  All of that seems so far away now, we have watched her grow and learn to walk, ride a bike, a horse, and do numerous other things.  She has always been my little sidekick, especially when Trav would deploy, we had our routine and we would find things to keep us busy.  I look at her now, standing taller than me and wearing the same size clothes and bigger shoes than me and think of how tiny she was.  How on the day of her birth her dad held her tight and wouldn't let her go.  She has blessed us in so many ways and I wonder what great things she will accomplish.  She loves animals and is awesome with kids.  She dreams of going to Africa someday.  She is very much her own person, she dresses in cargo shorts and t-shirts and converse and big black glasses.  She has great school friends and likes school.  Her teachers always rave about how great she is.  She made straight A's last year and I proudly have my honor roll student sticker on the back of the car.

  Someone said in our sunday school class the other day how our children aren't really ours, they are God's we just get to borrow them for a while.  I am so thankful to get to "borrow" Chloe.  I know it will be hard to let her go in a couple years as she goes off to college and starts making her own life but I know she will be fine, she is loved more than she knows.   And I know she will do great things for this world.

Life's funny

  So with the up coming deployment comes a long list of things to buy, get done and prepare for.  We have been stocking up on feed for the animals.  Making sure fence is fixed and gates are hung and things are ready for winter even though it is just now August.  Up here in the mountains we heat our house with a wood stove, so firewood is vital. All things that will make it a bit easier on me so I don't have to worry about it or have to make the extra trip.  I have no doubt in my mind that if we needed help we have some wonderful friends both military and not that would come to my rescue.  It's happened before and it will happen again - it's the Murphy's law of deployments. 

  The important things become very clear and at the forefront when you are faced with a deployment.  You take time to enjoy the little things.  Walking in the garden together seeing the fruits of our labor, having a patient cancel first thing in the morning allowing us to eat breakfast together.  As much as you don't want to think about it but those could be the last time you do these things together.  With Trav prepping to leave soon we have been slapped in the face with reality as one of the members of our rescue community has been lost.  Circumstances unknown at this point.  The unit that experienced this loss is the very one he is to be joining and eventually going to Afghanistan with.  To say our day was spent on a roller coaster of emotions would be putting it mildly.  All the what ifs and thoughts of how things had been taking a while to get done and how people weren't doing their jobs and getting things done causing him to be delayed came rushing in. 

  Now I will never fully understand this loss from his perspective or even the job he does to be honest.  He can tell me and explain it and show me photos but I will never be in his shoes.  All I can do is be there for him, support him and be proud of him.  I can try to help him express his feelings his frustration, fear, sadness, and whatever else bubbles up.  His feelings seem to just be under the surface and things like this make them boil over.  It is understandable - to survive seeing trauma over and over and yourself being in danger over and over you have to create a safe place to put all those feelings.  This has served him well in the past but eventually it was the issue we faced after last time he came home.  Things can only be swept under the rug for so long before the rug is 5 feet off the floor.  


  So we hug each other tighter and linger in our kisses.  We encompass each other in prayer and ask God to not only physically protect him but emotionally and mentally protect him as well as watch over those of us back here at home.  We ask God to help us keep our relationship strong and us focused on Him.  Knowing we are not promised tomorrow and it is the little things that will matter in the long run.