Adjusting

Hubby is home, relief. Now to get readjusted to life. We have been a family of three for almost 13 yrs & have, for the most part, reintegrated with little to no issues. It just seemed natural that when he would leave I would step in & fill his shoes the best I could. Then upon his return I would hand over those shoes, a little scuffed from not fitting just right & the extra work, but still in working order. We would slip back into our roles & mesh as a family again. 

  This time around has been different. He returned willing to jump right in & help with the kids & appointments & the other mountain of things to do around here. It was me who showed resistance. It was hard to let go of the reigns. I had gotten this ship in shape & had seen both boys make great progress.  We had a routine, I knew when to call Kayden's bluff & when he was acting out how to handle it. I had gotten both boys to go to bed with no issues & sleep through the night. Had successfully potty trained a four year old who just 6 months ago was in diapers. Now I had the help I had so desired but it would mean letting go & letting him handle things his way. It was hard, it was frustrating but it has been wonderful. I had to realize he wants to help, he can do it. I am not putting him out by asking for help. This is just as much his journey & family as it is mine. 

  I have to give him back his shoes, even though this time they might be a little worse for the wear because of me dragging my heels in them. 

He's Home!

  The day had come, my other half is now home.  God has been with us all the way.  He made it out of Baltimore no problem and into Dallas Fort Worth and out again with no problem,while flights before and after his were being cancelled due to bad weather.  I prayed for him to return safely for God to be in control, yes I had the whole day off and yes if he was delayed a day I would have to work when he arrived.  But God is good and the 30 min delay that was the end result was not even an after thought when I saw his smiling face.

  I arrived at the airport knowing others from the base would be there, so I hid.  I have done this 11 times, I have picked him up from the airport after being in a war zone 11 times in our almost 15 years of marriage.  I have my routine of getting ready and trying not to get too excited because things can change, been there before.  I didn't want to make small talk with strangers or people I barely knew, I didn't even take the kids with me.  I just wanted to hug and kiss my husband and enjoy those moments that are only ours.  To have him lift me up and hug me and feel him close to me again. Those last few moments before real life sets in.  I know people come to show support and let him know he is important.  Thankfully they stayed just long enough to help us tote his bags to the truck then they headed out.

  Every time he leaves there is that thought in the back of mind, what if. . .  What if he doesn't come back, what if he gets injured, what if he comes home but has a break down or isn't himself.  This time around prayer was a daily thing and we shared our thoughts, feelings, concerns and dreams through out the deployment.  This time I felt we actually grew closer even with the physical distance between us.  Old habits broken and new ways of doing things established.  It is amazing to look back over the years and see how each deployment has been different, has shaped our relationship, both good and bad, and how we have learned and grown from these experiences.

  Yes, I could have cried during this experience and said, "whoa is me" and poor pitiful me and these deployments have caused this and that but you can't do that.  You can't let circumstances beat you, there is always someone else who has it worse.  You have to embrace the suck so to speak and let it shape you in a way you would be proud of.  So when we are reunited there isn't that baggage of blame to deal with, we can just enjoy the fact that he is home and we are together again. 

Money

  I have a confession. . . I am a nerd!  I love charts and lists and numbers and keeping track of things and organizing and thinking things through.  So this past month I decided we need to get serious about a budget.  We were married at 18 & 19 and never really thought about budgeting so we are now trying to crawl out of our youthful indiscretions.  We have tried to budget before but it never fully encompassed all the expenses that pop up.  So we would end up dipping into savings to cover things and having to wait until the next pay day to do something.

  Yes, we both have good jobs and a nice house and animals and cars, etc.  We have never really done without necessities, but we were not using our money wisely.  I was raised to believe God gives you these things it is not happenstance or fate.  And we should use it as a gift.  I believe I am a dental hygienist in an awesome office not by coincidence, but because that is where I am supposed to be.  I finished my schooling in Georgia and when we moved to New Mexico it wasn't even a factor that we thought about when choosing a place to live.  So to find an opening at a dental office in the mountains where the Dentist is generous and takes care of his staff and all of the staff is friendly and have proven to become some wonderful friends is not just luck.  Trav has had his job in the Air Force for our entire marriage and we have been grateful for that stability.  In times when people were loosing jobs and worrying about insurance we had the knowledge that we were ok.

  So, I got on our bank account and used the tool to chart our spending for the previous month.  I made lists of all the little things that take money out of our pockets, eating out, coffee, pet supplies, clothing, supplements and vitamins.  Anything I could think of.  I then started looking for some sort of way to keep track of all this information.  Through a friend I found out about a website called PearBudget ( https://pearbudget.com/?ref=chocolate-127571 ) where you can enter the income and the expenses and even those odd expenses that are not just once a month.  It was super easy to set up and they gave me a free month to try it out.  I was hooked!  I set up a quick link on my phone so I could see the balances and enter receipts, like gas, on the go. 

  We are on the second half of the first month of this budget, I know still early, but we are doing well.  I have put money into savings and pull out cash for certain categories and have successfully stayed within the budget for groceries, eating out, clothing, haircuts, etc.  With having to use cash it has made me think twice about spending money on things.  Glitches have been worked out during this first month so it will make it easier to bring Trav on board when he gets home. With Trav being gone right now we are hoping to be almost out from under the majority of our debt by the time he gets back, if he ever gets paid correctly that is.  He will be home soon and has still not been paid for actually being gone or for being promoted back in August.  Oh, finance you are the bain of my existence.  On the plus side we have wrangled our money without the extra income.  So once they finally figure out how to click the right button under his name it will be gravy.

  Being a grown up is hard and budgeting is not fun but with a little nerdy fun it can be done, I am hopeful we will continue on this path and will be using our money wisely as we are supposed to.

Farm life continues

  As we close in on the end of November I am amazed at how quickly times has flown by.  I have been busy with work and kiddos and the farm, family and friends visiting and a couple bouts of sickness for me and the kiddos.

  My Best friend Kristen came out to visit at the end of October.  It was wonderful to have her here, spending time just talking and shopping and watching movies in our Pjs.  There is something about a best friend, no matter how far away you are and how long you have gone without actually talking none of that matters.  They know you better than anyone else and in my case she has always shown me love and been there for me in prayer.  She has answered phone calls in the late night and early morning hours.  I am blessed to call her friend and love her very much.

 For Halloween we went to a trunk or treat on base a couple days before Halloween and ventured out Trick-or-Treating on the actual day.  Yes, I took Chloe and two friends and both boys out into town by myself.  It went pretty well, Kayden was totally into it and went up to the door with the girls, Ethan rode quietly in the stroller dressed as an elephant.  It started getting a bit cold and boys getting tired but we survived and the girls had fun and I felt very accomplished.

  We acquired a new cat this past month too.  I had been searching for a barn cat to help keep mice away but was worried about feral cats and little ones.  I was contacted by a lady on Facebook who had a friend of a friend who was having to leave and couldn't take her pets.  She said this cat is used to being outside and sweet. He was an instant hit.  Killed a mouse in the first two hours he was here and has no issues with horses or dogs.  He is very sweet and friendly, which is good because Chloe would have been heart broken if he wasn't.  Midnight kitty is now the newest addition to the Willingham farm.

  Veterans Day came and our sweet teens from church came out and helped me get the pile of wood that has been sitting in the drive way and another that has been by the barn since we bought the house.  It is all under the carport now nicely stacked for the most part.  They also moved some branches into the pile we have that is waiting to be wood chipped.  It was amazing how much they got done during the short time they were here.  Things I had been meaning to do but just hadn't gotten around to. What a blessing they were on this day when my veteran was gone.  They also spent the morning helping some elderly ladies in town by raking leaves and cleaning up yards.  What a wonderful way to spend a day off of school.

  Our Chickens have finally started laying!!  We are getting an average of 3 - 4 eggs a day and just started getting brown eggs.  We ate some for dinner the other night and they were wonderful.  Chloe kept commenting on how good they are.  It is exciting to see that hard work paying off, the nail through the finger a couple months back while building the chicken coop and all.


  With the wood stove being our main heat source there is maintenance that goes with that.  So I become a chimney sweep sometimes.  I put on my cover alls and grab my brush and up I go.  Yes, there is usually some singing of "chim chimney" that occurs but who could blame me.   Just the fact that I have coveralls on is a win because I am one of those girls who just jump into a project without changing clothes.  The joke around here is if a product can survive me it is a keeper for sure

   Thanksgiving is coming up and with the passing of this holiday Trav will be heading home shortly there after.  We are both ready.  He is tired with constant shift changes and trying to work in time for us to talk into his schedule and with the time change I am actually getting up at 3am to chat with him before he goes to bed.  3 am is an interesting time. It is quiet and peaceful and nice.  I make coffee and start the fire and sit in my bed with my heated blanket on and enjoy time chatting with my husband.  After almost 15 yrs we can still talk for hours about anything and everything.  It starts my day off on the right foot and ends his on a sweet note.

15 years

Basic Training

  21 October marks 15 years that my sweet husband has been serving in the Air Force.  Some days it is hard to believe it has been that long and other days we think, "is that all??"  To think back on all the years we have spent in this life can be overwhelming.  There has been moves, illnesses, deaths in the family, seperation, missed mile stones and holidays.  But you can't dwell on that. I used to keep track of how much he was gone compared to how much he was home.  Eventually it tipped towards gone more than home and it was pointless to continue down that road.  I have to think about why he does what he does.  He doesn't want to be away from his family, he doesn't want to miss out on things but his love for this country is so great that he sacrifices those things to do what he believes in.  I, in turn have to accept this choice and support it.  I have never questioned this, not from day one.  I have always known this was in him and that this is his path.  Do I wish he was home more sure, but when he is away we get to chat and discuss things that might get pushed to the way side if he was home.  We get to dream about the future and look forward to the day he gets to come home.  It makes those times we do have together mean that much more.

Engagement 1999

 When we were first married he was Security Forces.  After 5 years of doing that he cross trained into Aerial Gunner on HH60 Helicopters.  His job now is one that I try not to think to much about.  I know he in danger when gone.  I mean just riding in a helicopter is a feat.  And flying around with the mission of rescuing injured people while be shot at poses a whole other set of difficulties.  He tells me somethings but mostly he keeps his daily goings on to himself.  He wants to hear what we are up to and the silly things the kids or animals have done.  I tell him the hard stuff too like when something is broken, I have had a stressful day or an extra expense pops up.  I can't hide these things from him but I also don't turn it around and blame him for them.   He knows I can handle most things around here and that is some comfort for him.  I have heard most of his stories while sitting with some of his "work" buddies.  I feel pride when I hear these things, some are scary yes, some are hard to hear but it is part of this life and I am not naive enough to think everything is safe and flowery over there.

Basic Training

  It is hard but we make it work.  In the early years hand written letters were lovingly mailed and phone calls made on DSN lines and heartbreak was felt when those calls were missed.  Now we have email, skype, face time, even texting when he has wifi.  Smart phones make it so much easier.  Email, text, face time and Skype all at my finger tips. I am able to send pictures and thoughts that pop in my head instantly.   Communication is vital during deployments, there were times when daily communication wasn't possible but it was hard not knowing how things were on his end.  It takes work and after 15 years I think we finally have it down.

  In all the difficulties that arise with the Air Force the most frustrating thing has to be family that just don't seem to get it.  Not that they are not supportive but that they don't get the full picture.  When he is gone he is not on vacation.  He is not sitting around just killing time, there is a constant stream of things going on and the little extra time he has he goes to the gym and chats with me and chloe.  There are times internet is down or phone calls can't be made even time to reply to emails can be hard to find.  He needs to know he is supported and loved and not feel pressure to worry about things back home.  

  He will always be my hero.  I am full of pride and love when I look at him in his uniform and know he does what he does because he believes in the mission.  So I am here to support him for 15 more years if that is his choice but I have a feeling there are new adventures waiting for us.

Spouse Flight 2012

Help

  I strive to be independent, I actually think it is my biggest strength and my biggest weakness all in one.  I will do things around the house or on my own for the sake of not having to ask to for help.  Mostly this boils down to not wanting to disrupt anyone else's day, life or schedule.  But this time around I have had to ask for help on several occasions and I am finding that the world has not come to an end and no one has ended up hating me as a result.

  With Ethan getting bigger and sleeping through the night I set him up a crib in our office, now turned guest room and along with that came moving a pretty large desk out of the way.  Could I have done it, maybe, would it have been hard, definitly.  So I gave in when my co-worker offered the help of her husband and his buddy to load it up for me.  They had it done in no time and I was so grateful.

  Our large four wheeler has not been running and Trav was not able to get it figured out before he left.  So our friend came over to look at it, not just once but twice and ended up taking it into town to be serviced for me and then delivered it when it was done.  This is one of the things that yes I could have done but would have been difficult.  Loading up the four wheeler and taking it into town when it fit my schedule or having to take the boys would have been difficult. He also did a few other tweeks on it and now it is ready for us to use it around the farm this winter.  We use it to move stuff around the property and move fire wood and it is an essential part of farm life, not just a toy. So having it up and running again is definitely a blessing.

  We have this carport that we bought from someone out here in the mountains and Trav had started to put it up before he left but like a lot of things this didn't get finished.  My co-workers husband came to the rescue again.  We made a trade and he set it up in a day.   He was also able to get firewood delivered for me.  I was nervous about having someone come deliver firewood at the house with just me there or even thinking it was just me there.  These are things that I would have just tackled on my own before.  It is by far less stressful having the help.

  My mom and step dad came to visit this past weekend and he offered to help with somethings around the house.  So, I gave him my list. He looked it over and said, "Ok".   He hung some new lights in the kitchen, replaced my broken bathroom sink, fixed some loose grout in the master shower and caulked around the kitchen counter and sink, fixed the left side drain in my kitchen sink and installed an automatic gate opener on our entry gate.  Amazing!





 Sometimes God grows you by making you rely on yourself and sometimes he does it by making you reach out for help. I had a friend tell me once that people wouldn't offer if they didn't mean it and by letting people help you when you really need it can actually be a blessing to them.

Winter

As far as seasons go I love fall the most, of course, with cool days & the leaves changing it marks the start of the holiday season. Warm cinnamony smells and colors of rich brown and orange and yellow all around.  But winter holds a special place. Travis & I were engaged in winter, Chloe came into this world on a snowy winter day, many wonderful family memories growing up took place in winter. I love boots, sweaters, scarves, jeans & coats. I love soup, hot chocolate & coffee. Sitting inside by the fire watching snow fall is one of the most peaceful things you can experience.  

  But with winter comes a lot of prep work here on the farm. Water hoses have to be insulated & include heaters. Tarps are applied to animal pens to help block wind. New bedding is added to the chicken coop & pig pen. Heat lamps are plugged in at night to keep the chickens warm.  A horse blanket is put on our older horse at night. Filling the barn with grass, straw & feed for the animals. Fire wood has to be bought, moved & stacked. Chimney has to be swept & ready to rock and roll.  Not to mention you have to actually know how to start a good fire that will continue to burn and keep the house warm.  I actually make fire starters from empty egg cartons, toilet paper rolls, dryer lint and used Scentsy and candle wax - ultimate recycling at its best.

  Along with winter comes snow, ice & freezing temps. All of this makes doing things a little bit harder.  The normal morning routine has to be modified.  Layers are applied as you head outside, hats and gloves and scarves and coats become the norm by the front door.  You have to take extra time to break ice off water bowls and shovel snow out of the way, remove the horses coat and do everything early enough so that by the time you leave for the day you can let them out of their stalls so they will be able to get in the barn if need be.  All of these things are hard and sometimes overwhelming but they must be done.  We had one chicken die this past week and another not acting right and was actually getting stepped on by her fellow coop mates.  We moved her in to the garage with a bed, food, water and a heater.  She is now running around the garage seemingly on the mend and we will move her back to her coop in the morning.  But with animals you have to constantly watch and check and keep up with them because they can't tell you when something is wrong.  

  In telling Travis what we have been doing everyday in prep for winter he commented that I am supermom, this cracks me up because I don't see it that way.  I see our home and all that comes with it as a challenge yes, but one that can be conquered.  I am not afraid to do things, my brain loves a puzzle and I find creative ways to fix things around here.  So for now I take comfort in knowing while my husband is away I can manage three kids, a job, a house and a farm because God has made me a strong woman and placed some very special people in my life to help me along the way and I know that this in turn comforts my husband while he is away.

Respit

res·pite

noun

1. 1.

   a short period of rest or relief from something difficult or unpleasant.

   "the refugee encampments will provide some respite from the suffering"

   
   

   

     A break, a change of pace, yes. But I do not agree with the above definition of my weekend.  Respite was a tough choice, we had put it off for months, not really needing it feeling like they are ours and not wanting to send them off to strangers.  But with Travis gone and everything pretty much falling on me it was time to do it.  I needed the weekend to just do things for me and the house and Chloe needed a break too.  Plus we needed mommy daughter time.  I was uneasy about leaving them to say the least.  I wrote a 3 page instruction guide, including a rough schedule and everything I could think of to tell the couple that would take care of them.  There was food info, bed time routine, potty cues and favorite things listed.  I packed their things in the car and chloe and I loaded up to go get the boys from daycare and take them to the home they would be at for the weekend.
   
     As I left them I tried to point out the most important things and anything else I could remember to tell them.  Kayden had walked right in and made himself at home, quickly finding the potty and the cat, telling me he would see me later.  Ethan on the other hand was not so sure, he reached for me and made a face that was quizzical and worried.  I felt bad but knew they would be fine.  Chloe and I walked out and got in the car and drove away.  We went into a couple of stores - no stroller or little person asking to get back in the car.  No unbuckling car seats and carrying diaper bags.  We went to dinner and a movie and shared some candy and soda and laughed.  We drove home and discussed the movie and what we would do the next day.  I got home and enjoyed some quiet time in front of the TV.  I went to bed with no worries of being awoken by crying or needs for the potty.  I tried to enjoy the quiet and the time I had to myself.
   
     But of course in my true fashion I was up at 5 or 5:30 every morning going full speed ahead.  I got to chat with my hubby via text while I worked on different projects.  I went through the entire pantry and organized it.  I finished filing and organizing all of Trav's air force paperwork and cleaned out the hall closet making room for all the things I would be cleaning out of the office and went through any and everything that got in my way.  I went through the coat closet and organized all of it's contents.  I set up the day bed and trundle bed in what used to be the office and made it into a guest room / room for Ethan by adding his crib where the office desk used to be.  I did break down and accept help from a friends husband to move the desk out of the office for me so I could take it to a consignment shop.  I made curtains for the doors into the laundry room and hung some cute cafe lights above the same set of doors - this was chloe's idea and I love the warm glow it gives the hallway.  I also had some sewing projects that had been put on the back burner that I was able to finish - one pair of my pants to hem and two pairs of shorts for another friends husband and some pillows for the guest bed.  I love marking things off my list and seeing the nice clean and organized house as a result.  I know Travis appreciates it very much especially when he comes home from being gone and everything is clean and put away, it just makes it more relaxing for him.
   
      My sweet husband kept saying do something for you and don't forget to relax but he also knows that this is what I do when he is gone and it is my way of relaxing and de-stressing, my inner geek shines through.  I love organizing and using my label maker and putting things in baskets and containers.  I did get time to workout and enjoy just sitting and doing nothing.  Chloe and I also went one night and painted pottery.  She really enjoys this and it is fun to see her creativity come out.  I love just riding in the car with her and hearing about her day and her friends and their silliness.  My sweet little girl is now taller than me and growing too fast and has been a wonderful helper to me these past couple months.  So now we are back at our crazy, busy life but definitely feeling refreshed.

Change

  To say last week was stressful would be an understatement.  No nothing major went wrong with the house, the car, work, Chloe's school, etc.  But we changed daycares for the boys 2 weeks ago and what I thought would be a great transition has turned into a nightmare.  I visited this place prior to the move, spoke with the director and explained both kiddos needs, especially our 4yr old who has a special diet and is new to potty training.  I was meet with yes, we can help with potty training and we will comply with his special diet and I left feeling good about this.  You see the other place they were attending was a bit of a hike for the social workers to drive to get them for visits because it was up a mountain and I also questioned how the roads would be in the winter but they never flinched at a special request, they bought all new food and changed their menu to help out with his special diet.   The class sizes were smaller and he received  more attention.  Now I leave him for 2 hours so I can do yoga and he has gone through three changes of clothes, I am finding that they tell me one thing, tell the social worker another thing and do neither.  If he was mine I would have pulled him out and gave them a piece of my mind, but I can't do that.  So now we are faced with finding him an aid to accompany him to daycare and finding a new place for both boys.  

  I am not delusional enough to think he is an easy kid.  I worked in daycare throughout high school and when I was first married and even went back by request of my employer for a little bit after chloe was born, I have potty trained numerous children, worked with autistic kids, kids with down syndrome and as a Dental hygienist I have had many MR and special needs patients both children and adults.  One thing I can tell you is kids, special needs or not,  can smell fear and can find weakness and buttons to push.  So because they have labeled him as autistic and trouble now, Kayden is not being taken care of properly.  He is a very intelligent little boy, can tell you all his numbers, letter, colors, shapes, remembers how to get places, like church or the grocery store and can open any door he is presented with.  He has figured out that the teachers are afraid to be firm with him and he uses tantrums and peeing his pants for attention.  This is a kid who can go all weekend with maybe one or two accidents and that is with us running around and doing errands and going to church and playing outside but yet he is at daycare for a few hours and has numerous accidents.  I know he is new to potty training and he will say, "I need to go potty" when he is in trouble or doesn't want to do something but even on his worst day, his biggest fit he has never purposefully peed on himself.  So I am at a loss, I cannot stay home with him all the time, honestly I love my job, and we need my pay check.  So there are lots of prayers going up on this subject, what to do with him, where he should go, etc.  

  He is not by any means a trouble kid.  He is very sweet and active and for the most part acts like every other four year old boy.  It breaks my heart to think of him not being properly taken care of.  I know they look at him and see a happy healthy four year old boy with some behavioral issues and when it comes to the potty issue I don't think they totally get that just 4

mos ago he was in full diapers with serious tummy issues. And now a month into potty training and 3wks into full under he does have some issues but what kid doesn't.  He needs to be celebrated for the leaps and bounds he has accomplished not punished for not meeting their standards.  

  So we are still in limbo, pretty much told by the current daycare he cannot return after the 30th of this month and trying to find him the help he needs plus a safe and understanding place for him to go during the day.  That has been the most stressful part of this whole thing trying to figure out care and services for him.  But we will keep plugging along and hopefully get this little guy the help he needs and deserves.

A Little Organization to Soothe the Soul

This past week has flown by.  I only ended working at the office for one half day.  When Doctor is out of town it is like word spreads like wild fire and people think that he will never know they didn't show for their appointment or cancelled it.  So the schedule slowly began to fall apart and ultimitly ended in no patients for me.

  It actually worked out fine though I was able to get a lot done around the house.  I moved parts to a carport we are putting up from the driveway to the location Trav had started to assemble it before he left.  I moved two loads of branches that had been trimmed from near the garden to the pile we have near the fence line to eventually be run through the chipper. I used the electric chain saw to trim up some branches big enough to keep for fire wood.  I hauled two rolls of chain link fence up onto the truck and parts of the old trampoline to take them to the trailer that is our take to the dump pile.  All of this stuff was in the drive way somewhere either by the side of the house or in front of the garage or just in a large opening sitting and it looks so much better now that it is cleaned up.

  I then set to work on the garage.  I know, I know that is a man's domain but it never has been for this family, I keep it organized and know how to use almost all of the tools out there.  I can remember my Dad pulling everything out of the garage a few times a year sweeping and actually hoseing it out and then reorganizing everything.  I believe I get this need to clean the garage from him and my mom always kept the house organized and clean so with those two influences combined I am bound to be a little OCD about things.  So I first tackled Trav's gear, the numerous pelican cases and containers full of stuff looked like a daunting task but I was determined.  So I set up two tables and had just recently moved the love seat from my bedroom in there and began setting things out.  I opened case after case and placed all the like items together.  I can't even begin to describe the amount of gear this man has, I mean one whole case ended up being just gloves, gloves!  And then there were the two cases, one that I could actually comfortably get into, that were just extra bags, like back packs and lugage.  So I set to work seperating and organizing and labeling everything.  once that was done it was amazing how much better it looked in there already.  Then I finished up the rest of the garage and swept the floor and admired my work, everything put away and everything labeled and I still had room for the cases he took with him.  I set up a little area for working out I could probably even get my car in there if I needed to.

The project I am tackling now is the office.  I have a box of papers from his military career that I am sorting and going to file.  I went to Office Max and found folders and file boxes, it was far more exciting than it should have been. I also plan on moving some of the office furniture around and making it more of a guest/baby room so Ethan, the youngest kiddo we have, can eventually move into there.  With my mom and step dad coming out next month and then later on my best friend Kristen and her daughter coming that will give them all a place to stay inside the house.

It is amazing how going through things and organizing them can make you feel better.  I alway do this while Trav is gone.  I go through the house, purge, organize and deep clean.  Maybe it's a way of passing the time or kind of like nesting I guess.  Preparing for his return and making sure everthing is in order to allow for more time together and a peaceful place for him to return to.  I know it is relaxing to him to have a home that is clean and tidy and not crammed with a bunch of junk and clutter as it is for me.

My Birthday

My Birthday, August 30 th, for some reason a day the Air Force loves.  It has become a joke with us because it is rare that Travis will be home on my birthday.  So this birthday was like so many in the past.  He is gone and actually started his travel to Afghan on my day.

The day before my birthday was like any other day, I got up got the boys ready, was all set to leave early so I could make it to Crossfit after dropping the boys off at daycare.  But Bacon, our pig, had other plans.  She was out of her pen again, luckily she just hangs out in the horse corral and doesn't wonder off but we couldn't just leave her out.  So I donned my mucking boots and went out there to help Chloe get Bacon back in her pen and reinforce the weak spot.  This took a while.  By the time we were done I had to take the boys to daycare and then come back for Chloe and take her to school, no Crossfit workout for me.  I left dropping Chloe off and headed to town to get coffee and to look at new daycare for the boys.  CYFD wanted to move them closer to town to make it easier for pick ups and visits.   After I left there and ran by hobby lobby I headed home to work on organizing the garage and hunting down some things for Trav.  No such luck - Daycare called and Ethan, our youngest kiddo, was sick.  He had a fever and runny nose and had had 2 yucky diapers.  So I headed to get the boys from daycare.  The kicker was that since he was sick he couldn't return for 24hrs - meaning he would be home with me on my b-day.  The day I had been looking forward to, the day I had nothing planned but just doing whatever I wanted and enjoying some peace and quiet.  Maybe going shopping with no one whining at me or saying I am hungry and I need this or that.

I will not lie, I was upset, I was angry, I shed tears.  All I had wanted was one day, one day with no lists, no errands that had to be completed, one day alone to do something for myself.  Now logically I knew it was not the end of the world, but I had been looking forward to this day, building it up, telling myself I know my husband is gone and most of my friends have moved or live else where but I can still have a good day.  After I spoke to my husband that night he reminded me that things happen for a reason, kind of has been the theme of this deployment.  So I sucked it up, I was determined to have a good day and knew only I could control that.

I woke up got everyone ready and took Kayden to daycare and Chloe to school.  Ethan and I spent the rest of the day working in the garage and then going into town to drop something by UPS, pick up race packets and we ended up at the mall.  He was wonderful, sleeping on and off, smiling and laughing even though his little eyes were red from allergies.  And even though it was a bit more work loading and unloading him and the stroller and all the things that comes with babies it was a good day.  We picked Chloe up from school and went home so that her and I could work on our shirts for the Dirty Dash (5k mud run) that we would be doing the following day.  We tie dyed them and came up with a design and finished them up.  Then off we went again to get Kayden and pick up dinner - I wanted a chicken and cheese enchilada with green chile and chips and guacamole for dinner.  Once the boys were in bed we enjoyed our dinner and watched a movie and had some quiet.  My day had been wonderful in its own way.  I was able to go to town and enjoy some shopping and enjoy my dinner and some time with my daughter.  I received some flowers from a wonderful friend and I even got a call from my sweet husband that evening.  I have not given up on having my day but for now this was good enough.

To finish off the birthday celbration Chloe and I participated in the Dirty Dash on Saturday and had a blast.  At first Chloe was nervous and actually said she didn't want to do it any more.  I laugh because that girl is too much like me, we both like to know what to expect and what is going to happen.  So we actually ended up going a bit early so she couldn't have any more time to think about it.  First off we had to run through a mud pit and we slipped and splashed and laughed and we continued on.  She did awesome, we ran a bit and she attempted all the obstacles, only one got the better of her, the monkey bars.  On a positive note I conquered those bars - my personal triumph.  I have never been able to do those things and I did them all in one motion and without falling.  A good end to this birthday.

Before

After

The first week

  So my first week, it is usually the hardest one when trying to establish a workout and eating plan but I made it!  Down 4 lbs already.  

  So Monday I worked my half day and went for a trail run, sounds easy doesn't it.  Well, not so much.  I got changed, headed out to find a trail a friend had told me about, no luck so I turned around and headed towards the National forest by our house but first had to stop by the house to get some money for parking.  This is one of the things we did not get accomplished before Travis left - with him being militrary he gets a pass for us but we were not able to knock it off the list.  So once I parked and found a trail it was great, just a detour to get there. 

   Tuesday and Wednesday were like any other day -work all day  

  Thursday, I had to take Kayden to his parental visit, then to the audiologist for part of his screening for preschool.  He wouldn't let them do the regular ear bud in the ear test so we had to go sit in a sound booth, then I had to hold him so they could do some more tests in his ears, that earnd him chick-fil-a for lunch.  Then back to the daycare for him so I could get my hair done.  

  Friday, I went back to crossfit.  I thought I was going to die.  We ran and squated and normally I would do a few puffs on my inhaler before hand but I couldn't find it and I hadn't needed it in a long time but I could have used it that day for sure.  So what does any sane person who just finished torture do?  Hot Yoga?  Why yes you are right!  As I was driving there I was going through the I feel dizzy, I feel nauseated, should I do this,  I should just go home this is nuts thoughts.  But I went and it was great, I got there early like always and just lay on my mat and became acclimated to the heat then we did all the moves and stretches, some a bit harder than usual but still felt good.  I sweated buckets, but it felt good.  I went home showered and worked on organizing my bedroom.  Then loaded up with a friend and I went to Chloe's school for a watermelon tail gate.  

  Saturday, we got up and went to get hay again and unloaded it, farm girls.  We then got ready and went to a birthday party on base.  Pool never opened but we still had fun, Kayden did amazing - no freak outs over balloons and he ate his specially made for him pizza and his cookies I brought him and never wondered why his food was different.  I did slip up a bit on my diet here, I ate a piece of pizza, only because once we were there I realized I never ate breakfast & only had coffee.  He played at the park and had fun.  We left and both boys were asleep in the car by the time we hit the highway.  So thankful for Chloe, she ran into petsmart and purchased her chinchilla food.  She has done this for me a couple times at different places, she looks so much older and knows how to use the debit card so no one seems to question it - hope that doesn't come back to bite me.

   Which brings me to Sunday my cheat day - we got up and went to Einstiens for bagels, I didn't get one, just Chloe did.  I did get a vanilla latte though.  The real deal, not skinny, not soy, real stuff.  Then once in Sunday school I ate breakfast casserole, yummy gooey, cheesey, green chili filled breakfast casserole.  We left church and went to the mall were I got a strawberry Orange Julius and once home I made dinner but only ate the guacamole that was meant for the burgers with some chips and a beer.  Which I drank 4 sips of.  I am such a rebel!!

  So week one is down & I am well on the way through my second week.  I feel good, have energy & have been sleeping wonderfully.  Yea for a healthy life!
  

Getting serious

  We always do this, he leaves for months at a time and works out and eats healthy and I do the same here on the home front.  Now given I do have a few more cheat days, I am sure but I have more avenues available and he has limited resources when he is away.  But for some reason we get back together and boom we hit our lazy streak.  Workout? Nah, let's watch a movie in bed.  Cook a healthy meal? Nah, let's order take out so we can be lazy on the couch after a long day of work and not seeing each other.  We actually did pretty well after his last deployment we started doing Crossfit and went strict Paleo, but then he left for TX for NCOA (Non Commissioned Office Academy) and even though I continued on the track  he just couldn't fit it in.  We tried to continue once he returned, but financially it was tough and on top of that we were driving 45min there and then 45min back supper early in the morning.  Then the holidays hit and family and parties, etc.  So now we are back to square one, determined to keep it up and become those freaks that everyone will talk about  "Why aren't they eating that?" & "Did they really just go for a run?" & "She lifts weights??"

  So like I said we have done strict Paleo before and I felt awesome, crazy energy, slimmer.  And lately we have played on the border of it, on again off again, never hitting it supper hard.  With how busy we are and traveling, and having company etc it makes it hard.  But as of Monday I am back to strict paleo and getting my butt back on a workout schedule.  I tried the get up supper early and workout before the kids wake up, but that didn't happen.  Those little buggers have a radar that tells them "She's up, we need to be too".

                                                                                   

                                                                                  So now my plan of attack is this:

       Monday:  Trail run after work plus some core excersices (I usually only work a half day)

       Tuesday and Wednesday: Community center for workout if work schedule allows at lunch time

       Thursday: Crossfit in the a.m. and hike with Chloe after school (Hot yoga on this day if I have to work friday)

        Friday:  Crossfit in the a.m. and hot yoga directly after

        Saturday: Walk/Hike with all kiddos

  Now, I know, it doesn't look too intense and that is good. I want to stick to it.  I pretty much don't sit still until bed time anyway so that has helped keep the weight off but I need to tone up and the Hot Yoga just relaxes me in an insane way.  An hour and a half of no cell phone, no mom I need this, no email, no FB, no distraction, just peace and quiet and focusing on relieving stress and stretching.  
I LOVE IT!!!  
  As much as I dread going back to Crossfit with Trav gone and starting over I am looking forward to the pay off.  I was in the best shape I have ever been when we were doing Crossfit, I was seeing progress in my lifts and runs and I liked being able to say I lifted more than that guy or I finished the workout before him.  Calluses and cuts became the norm and bruises showed I was working hard.  So bring it on, I am ready to get back into this.



On the Paleo topic, I know there are those who say, "But, I love bread! I could never give it up" or the same about cheese, milk etc.  Honestly after the first week I don't even think about it.  I actually start to crave fruit and veggies and meat.  Especially when I lift heavy - steak was my treat and some times beer, I know not Paleo but sometimes a girl just needs a steak and a nice dark beer after killing a workout.  And the girl who normally ruined a great cut of meat by making sure it was no longer mooing began to want a medium to medium well steak.  It is amazing how creative you get with Paleo too, I have some recipes that are intense and a little time consuming but for the most part it is, meat, veggies and fruit.  Simple as that.


I took pictures of myself in my cute Victoria Secret swim suit monday and weighed and measured so I will have a good starting point (I will spare you the pics).  I plan on measuring and picture taking monthly and weighing weekly to see my progress.  So stay tuned for updates and see how I am progressing.

Country girls can survive

So I bought this ladder at a flea market with the idea of hanging it in my laundry room for a drying rack.  The issue became how to hang it where to hang it so it wasn't a nusence  - I am shorter than my hubby by a foot and now even my 12yr old is taller than me.  I am no dwarf by any means but 5'2" has it limitations, I suppose.  So it sat and sat and one day I was outside and thought why not hang it off the well house and next spring we can hang plants on it in hanging baskets. And Boom! Done!

We have had the workings of this contraption for a good month now. It is a chicken watering system the idea is they drink out of the individual nipples.  We will see how it works but should be nice and a lot easier than the previous waterer where we had to get in the coop to retrieve it and then fill it and replace it without loosing any chickens in the process.  Right now we have it in there so the chickens can check it out and I will have to make some adjustments to figure a small leak out but I think it will be a good thing in the end.





Hay, or grass because that is what this actually is, is a necessity when you have 2 horses and a donkey. No, I didn't load it but I unloaded it, well Chloe helped, sparking the first "why did Dad have to leave" comment.  I like driving the big truck and seeing all the crazy looks of "little woman in giant truck" and then getting out the tie down straps and securing it before we take off, I am sure there were some nervous fellas as we left the feed store.

This garden has been a wonderful experience.  Watching things grow from simple seeds to food is such a wonder.  Seeing God work in our own back yard is so awesome.  I enjoy weeding, I just don't have enough time, it could be a full time job especially after the rain we had a few weeks ago.  But by getting some dirt under my nails I will get it cleaned up, slowly but it will happen.

 All of these things are just a few of what goes on around here no matter who is here or not.  Chloe and I have always done things around the house and yard, so Trav being gone is no different but I do miss saying to him "Hey, can you lift that heavy thing" or "Can you reach that high thing" but these country girls will survive.

It was inevitable. . .

   It happened, my first break down. It was inevitable. Out of no where and full force and of course at work.  I knew it would come, it always does, but this was out of no were.  We aren't even into the meat of this deployment yet.  But there I was crying outside my office Wednesday morning.

  I had a busy day to say the least on Tuesday.  Up early with plans to work out - but that didn't pan out.  Somehow little ones sense when you are about to be productive and they are asleep.  So I got the baby settled and lay back down for a bit more sleep.  Up again at 6am, getting 3 kids up, 2 kids dressed and ready 2 diaper bags packed and 2 lunches packed and on the road by 7am.  Up the mountain to daycare, dropped the boys off.  Down the mountain, dropped Chloe off at school, then swung by the recycling center and finally headed to work.  Had a full day of patients then headed back up the mountain to get the boys, went home grabbed Chloe, dropped her off at guitar practice, ran to the grocery store, picked Chloe back up and headed home to feed, bathe and put boys to bed.  I was gone for 12hrs, 12 long, busy hours full of driving, cleaning teeth and running errands.  I didn't get to bed until 11 and had been looking forward to an email from the hubby all day.  But I knew with the time difference it wouldn't be until the next morning.  I went to bed knowing I was facing another busy day of driving and patients, exhausted already.

   When I woke up nothing, nada, no sign of communication.  This was apparently the straw that broke the camels back.  I was mad, jealous and sad to say the least.  I mean I am here dealing with kids and life and house and work and loosing sleep and he is off enjoying a nice quiet hotel room in Japan.  Just the other day I was thinking how great I was doing, yes I missed him terribly, but things were going good, the boys were getting on a schedule , Chloe was starting school and I was getting a plan together to take care of me by eating right and exercising.  Somehow all that had slipped away.

  Not totally sure what set me off, most likely fatigue was the culprit.  But I stuffed it down and started on my day.  As I got to work things started bubbling up.  I had a co-worker offer to be added to my list of approved sitters for the boys and I lost it. She knew I needed help and I hate needing help.  I had to step outside. The hardest thing for me is to acknowledge I can't do it all, I am not superwoman.   I texted my wonderful friend Kristen who lives in Florida, she reminded me that things happen, communication lines fail, people get busy, things constantly change especially with the Air Force.  I felt better but I still longed to hear from him.

  And I did, Wednesday night he called and told me it will all be ok, it will get better.  And then explained how he had to be up supper early and wasn't adjusted to time change yet and then was made to change hotels so he just hadn't had the time and he was sorry. Logically I knew all of those things were a possibility but something got to me and that was that.  

  I honestly think that all of the technology has made things more difficult during deployments.  I mean when we did our first deployment we did not have Skype, IM, facebook and barely had email.  So I would wait for calls and letters, yes I was devestated if I got home and had missed a call - yes no cell phone either!!  But I didn't have all these routes of technology to check and see if he was on line or had emailed or had checked email.  You can drive yourself nuts checking this stuff all day and the worst thing is not knowing what is going on.  Now more often then not it is just some simple thing nothing big or horific like my brain likes to think, that is why my imagination is my biggest enemy.  But for now I will survive, I will gather myself and press on and know it is ok to breakdown and to ask for help.