Stepping out of my box

  This competition prep has definitely been a new experience.  I have always been active and tried to eat healthy but when it comes to stepping foot on a stage that is new to me. Yes, I did dance, choir, played sports but that was all as a team, never alone, in a spot light.  I can be girly but I am not a girly girly per se.  I can dress up and pull an outfit together when needed but I also have no issue putting on boots and getting outside and tackling the dirtiest of jobs.  I have never been one to plaster make-up on and curl my hair before heading out, yes I'll put on a bit of concealer and lip gloss but I like the natural look.  So to have to think about make-up, hair, tanning, nails, etc is a bit overwhelming.  Luckily this competition will have hair and make-up people backstage that we can sign up with and they will take care of it.  Because let's be honest, I am going to be tanner than I have ever been so there is no way to know what make-up to use.

  Sitting down and adding up the expenses is a bit overwhelming too.  At the prep camp I attended last weekend they suggested we seek out sponsors or start a gofundme.com account.  All of which is again out of my box.  I hate asking for money.  As a teenager I scrimped and budgeted to pay for my gas and lunches.  I babysat and worked at daycares and goodwill.  So deciding to follow this advise given and seek out help has been hard.  I mean this isn't a need, this isn't a charity, this is just me trying to reach a goal, a dream I have set for myself.  It is not cheap to set foot on stage.  I need a suit, shoes, hair, nails, tan, and jewelry.  They even suggest a back up suit just in case something happens to the first one. I have hired a trainer to help with my nutrition and workout plan along with posing.  We could probably figure a way to cover most of my expenses but having people behind me has helped me keep focused.  It's not just  me invested in this anymore.  I am not one to put my whole life out there for everyone to see.   I don't believe in playing the pity card and counting the woes I have survived especially for gain.  God will bless me in His own way if I keep focused on Him.  Those who seek gratification from the praise of others have their reward in just that.  

  Honestly, I go through phases of "I can totally do this" to "What in the heck am I doing."  My husband has been awesome.  He tells me I am being silly and yes I can do this and to look at how far I have come.  I keep track of the my measurements, weight and body fat and I have seen losses in all areas.  It is hard to look in the mirror everyday and see the changes I have made.  Taking pictures and using those guides I mentioned have helped tremendously.  As I close in on being 12wks out from this competition I remain focused and determined to trust the process and stick to my routine and plan.  I WILL do this and just stepping foot on stage with the knowledge that I accomplished my goal will be all the gratification I need.  I will do this for me with God's help and with Him I can do anything. 

http://www.gofundme.com/jennynichole

Selfish

  I have set myself a new goal. Most would say it's a selfish one. And that's ok, sometimes you have to be selfish. You can only do so much for others for so long until you break.  This is a hard thing for me.  I try to take care of everything & everyone.   This trait is not a strength, it is in fact a weakness.  But over the past few years I have learned to ask for help and more importantly accept it.

  This goal is way outside my comfort zone but one I am focused on.  It requires me to hit the gym 6 times a week, eat a set number of calories and make sure they are balanced in macro nutrients (Fat, Carbs and Protein).  It will cost money and that is also a hard step for me, spending money on myself.  I have no issue buying things for the house, kids, Travis - no problem.  But I always manage to find an excuse when it comes to me.  The past two years I have regularly had my hair done and occasionally my nails.  It was just never a thought before but something I now allow myself to enjoy.

  As moms we often put ourselves last.  Making sure everything and everyone is taken care of.  That leads to one worn out momma.  So I am learning to make time for me.  When Trav was gone it was yoga, that was my time to decompress, no phone, email, kids etc.  I would schedule things around my yoga time I would fight for it because it helped me that much.  It is amazing how you can find time and energy for something when you are focused on it.  I manage to hit the gym 6 times a week by going after work on my half days or during my lunch break and by sneaking off on saturday evenings.  It is a time for me & only me so I can focus on my goal.

  So with each passing week I continue to see improvements in muscle tone, strength, will power.  Not only pounds lost but inches.  Focused on my end goal.  Will I win, doubtful but I will walk across that stage knowing I did everything I could to get up there with confidence and I will enjoy that, trophy or no trophy.

Boys, Boys, Boys!

   We now have three boys living in the house, not including the hubs.  Chloe and I are out numbered.  We have been taken over by blue, and footballs, basketballs, toy cars and planes.  Sports talk and extra energy run rampant throughout this house now.  An increased grocery bill to boot.
But somehow it fits.

  We took in another child a couple weeks ago.  Victor, he is 10yrs old.  It was something that came out of no where. We had been matched with a 3yr old boy before Christmas & were waiting to learn more about him & were asked what our interest in future placements would be. We said, a girl roughly 10-11 or even a small sib group with an older girl. The phone call we got later that week was regarding Victor.  The current foster home he was in could no longer keep him for complicated reasons. So we had about an hour to decide if we would take him. 

  As I stood there in my office with Trav telling me all about this boy, good kid, good student, mom has issues, dad has fallen off the face of the earth, I prayed. I asked God if this was the best fit for us both & to protect this young man as he moved homes once again. So we agreed, my co-workers cheered and laughed because we are a tiny bit crazy. 

  As soon as we got home & we moved Ethan's crib into Kayden's room & the love seat that was once in Kaydens room into what had been an office, guest room & then baby room. Amazing how a room is just a box & can be transformed so easily. Now it was to be a 10 yr olds room.   We made it as comfy as we could on short notice.  The next evening Trav went to CYFD and picked him up.  I felt nervous, we hadn't even so much as seen a picture of him let alone knew anything about him but he was about to be in our home.  I thought how strange this all is, this young man could become our son and how odd it felt to wait for his arrival.  So we tried to make it a fun night.  I ordered pizza from a local place, Mario's because they can do gluten free and no cheese for my special eater Kayden.  But apparently in my haste to rush out the door at work and get pizza, pick up the little ones and get home I ordered the biggest pizza possible.  I mean this thing barely fit in the car.  It was a good ice breaker for sure and a fun memory to look back on.

  Once Trav got him home we unloaded his things from the car, tiny treasures and memories he had carried with him over the course of two years.  We showed him his room and reassured him we would make it into his own space, get rid of the comforter and books and let him put up his things.  He was happy to just have his own room, something he had never experienced before.  It saddens me to think in his short 10yrs all things he has seen and been through and has been able to remain a pretty normal kid.  He has had to be the parent and worries about things his brain can't even begin to understand.  So our job is to let him be a kid, let him experience things and enjoy life.

  So as time has gone by he started a new school and has done well adjusting.  He started playing basketball, something he had never done before. And we opened up a wall in his room to expose a closet that was covered up by the previous owner, luckily it still had the shelf and bar and cedar lining.  This thing is huge! And with time Victor has opened up to us.  We are lucky he is such a good kid, definitely still some work to be done to help him process everything but over all no issues.  He is great with the pets and the little kids.  He and Chloe have hit it off and joke and talk and she already refers to him as her brother and he helps her feed the animals.

  Seeing our home fill up is amazing.  We may not have birthed all these kiddos but they are ours non the less.  God has blessed us immensely and we will continue to pray for his guidance and will in all these situations.

Bacon

  Our pig, lovingly named Bacon.  We had her for over a year.   We got her with intention of raising her for meat, so we always knew that this day would come.  I had mixed feelings for sure, I didn't love her, she wasn't soft and cuddly or sweet.  She was in ever aspect a PIG, she snorted and rooted and escaped from her pen and knocked against you while we were trying to feed her or give her straw for bedding.  She smelled and at one point got mud so caked on her tail I had to take a Benchmade and amputate part of it.  

  No one said having animals was easy.  No one said it is fun.  The day I had to "fix" her tail was not fun, Travis was still gone, Chloe was helping me try to get the mud off and it just wasn't working.  The boys were napping so time was limited.  So ankle deep in mud I made a decision.  It had to just come off.  She didn't even make a peep and with one quick swipe it was done.  Yes, there was blood but she was able to swing her tail once again and didn't seem to mind.  Chloe on the other hand was a bit green when all was said and done.

  Then the day finally came where everyones schedules lined up and Bacon was to meet her end.  The Friday before we researched and prepped and that morning we set up tables and a heater for the garage getting ready for the day.  I have never witnessed anything being killed. I never grew up with a family that hunted.  But, I am not naive enough to think my meat comes from the grocery store in a pretty plastic package, I know what happens to get it there.  We had a wonderful team that day.  A friend from work and her husband and 3 sons and daughter-in-law come out along with another friend and couple teenage boys curious as to what exactly would happen. 

  I had not planned on being out there in the beginning, I didn't know if I could handle it and Chloe had said she didn't want to be out there either.  But things moved fast and as it happened we were.  It was strange.  To see her no longer alive.  I would like to say it was fast but the body doesn't just stop, there are nerve firings and things that must happen that make muscles jerk.  I still have feelings of sadness, not that I miss her but just the feelings of respect that comes from something giving it's life so that you can sustain yours.  It is a sober thought for sure.

  The ladies went inside and let the men and boys handle the front end of the operation.  We made laundry soap and fire starters and joked about our pioneer style day on the farm.  It was a beautiful day outside and really just a great time with friends.  

  I did eventually wonder outside, out of pure curiosity.  I have taken anatomy classes, actually had a fetal pig we had to dissect and keep in a bucket of formaldehyde - it came home with me once.  I see blood at work - I am not squeamish by any means, but it still seemed odd.  As I came into the barn there she was no longer looking like I had once known her and then I was handed a liver.  From that point on things went fast, everyone was in the garage and the guys made work of the meat.  I walked out to the barn and a team was busy at work with cleaning up the "evidence" of what had just taken place out there.  Things were rinsed and shoveled and raked and buried.  Little to no signs remained.

  We got sausage and hams and bacon and tenderloins.  There was a great rhythm going.  Things were cut and passed to either me, the bagger and vacuum sealer or to Kim and her son who cut it into smaller pieces so it could be handed off to Tim who was in charge of the grinder.  Then once things were sealed and a pile formed we took turns running it to the freezer.  We were done in 4 1/2 hours start to finish.  Everyone helped with clean up.  Couldn't have asked for a better day.  

  When all was done we set down and enjoyed pizza and conversation, worn out from the day.  We sent our wonderful helpers off with meat, eggs, laundry soap and fire starters.  A true mountain day.

  

A New Year

 This past year has been a whirlwind to say the least.  Changes all around.  If someone would have told me last year at this time what 2013 would hold I would have laughed.  New additions to the farm, hand injury, 14 yrs married, becoming foster parents and adding 2 boys to our family, going through a last minute deployment and now Chloe being a teenager.  It all seems surreal.

  It is always amazing to me to see how much you can grow over the course of a year.  Learn something new, over come heart ache, take on new challenges.  We have done that this year for sure.  Dealt with family strife, learning about our animals and how to better take care of them, gardening for the first time on a large scale.  Even just having Kayden and Ethan in our home has been a learning experience.

 I have absolutely no clue when it comes to boys.  I have one sister, grew up with girl cousins, yes I had guy friends growing up but never paid attention to what made them tick.  Watching Kayden come out of is shell and start to "grow up", for lack of better term, into an actual 4yr old boy who can communicate and convey his needs and wants and what he doesn't want has been wonderful and odd at the same time.  Trying to decipher what is normal little boy behavior as opposed to the possible signs of autism his workers claimed he has or just the result of years of neglect has been hard.  Along with his special diet of no Gluten or Dairy and when Travis was on the other side of the world I was left asking co-workers and friends, "Is this normal?"

  Now, let's take Ethan, he is a healthy little guy with a healthy appetite and is now moving around pretty well.  He is a mess, getting into things and knowing he is not supposed to.  Again boys!  He actually started climbing up on the hearth around our wood burning stove and after being removed a couple times and telling him no he finally got the picture and actually put himself in timeout.  Now, I couldn't help but laugh, where he couldn't see me of course.  But I had asked him "do you need to sit down?" and he walks over to Kayden's time out corner and sits down.  Boys!

  Marriage, 14 years to be exact.  We have had ups and downs and way downs and ups again.  Today I am proud to say we made it through so very tough times.  God has been good to us and I am excited to see what 2014 holds.

Adjusting

Hubby is home, relief. Now to get readjusted to life. We have been a family of three for almost 13 yrs & have, for the most part, reintegrated with little to no issues. It just seemed natural that when he would leave I would step in & fill his shoes the best I could. Then upon his return I would hand over those shoes, a little scuffed from not fitting just right & the extra work, but still in working order. We would slip back into our roles & mesh as a family again. 

  This time around has been different. He returned willing to jump right in & help with the kids & appointments & the other mountain of things to do around here. It was me who showed resistance. It was hard to let go of the reigns. I had gotten this ship in shape & had seen both boys make great progress.  We had a routine, I knew when to call Kayden's bluff & when he was acting out how to handle it. I had gotten both boys to go to bed with no issues & sleep through the night. Had successfully potty trained a four year old who just 6 months ago was in diapers. Now I had the help I had so desired but it would mean letting go & letting him handle things his way. It was hard, it was frustrating but it has been wonderful. I had to realize he wants to help, he can do it. I am not putting him out by asking for help. This is just as much his journey & family as it is mine. 

  I have to give him back his shoes, even though this time they might be a little worse for the wear because of me dragging my heels in them. 

He's Home!

  The day had come, my other half is now home.  God has been with us all the way.  He made it out of Baltimore no problem and into Dallas Fort Worth and out again with no problem,while flights before and after his were being cancelled due to bad weather.  I prayed for him to return safely for God to be in control, yes I had the whole day off and yes if he was delayed a day I would have to work when he arrived.  But God is good and the 30 min delay that was the end result was not even an after thought when I saw his smiling face.

  I arrived at the airport knowing others from the base would be there, so I hid.  I have done this 11 times, I have picked him up from the airport after being in a war zone 11 times in our almost 15 years of marriage.  I have my routine of getting ready and trying not to get too excited because things can change, been there before.  I didn't want to make small talk with strangers or people I barely knew, I didn't even take the kids with me.  I just wanted to hug and kiss my husband and enjoy those moments that are only ours.  To have him lift me up and hug me and feel him close to me again. Those last few moments before real life sets in.  I know people come to show support and let him know he is important.  Thankfully they stayed just long enough to help us tote his bags to the truck then they headed out.

  Every time he leaves there is that thought in the back of mind, what if. . .  What if he doesn't come back, what if he gets injured, what if he comes home but has a break down or isn't himself.  This time around prayer was a daily thing and we shared our thoughts, feelings, concerns and dreams through out the deployment.  This time I felt we actually grew closer even with the physical distance between us.  Old habits broken and new ways of doing things established.  It is amazing to look back over the years and see how each deployment has been different, has shaped our relationship, both good and bad, and how we have learned and grown from these experiences.

  Yes, I could have cried during this experience and said, "whoa is me" and poor pitiful me and these deployments have caused this and that but you can't do that.  You can't let circumstances beat you, there is always someone else who has it worse.  You have to embrace the suck so to speak and let it shape you in a way you would be proud of.  So when we are reunited there isn't that baggage of blame to deal with, we can just enjoy the fact that he is home and we are together again.