Traveling spirit

  We have been back from Kenya for a few weeks now & it seems so surreal. Traveling there & home went smoothly for the most part. We had an issue with one of our 7 person team getting boarding passes all the way through to Nairobi but we were able to maneuver through the airports & catch our flights with a little help from Maria running to catch our plane in DOHA.  God put everything in place & got us to our destination safely & comfortably. We had blankets, pillows, towels to wipe our hands, great food & drinks & everyone had their own TV with numerous movie & TV show options.  After 24hrs of travel we made it into Nairobi & were picked up & taken to our hotel for the night. Leaving the airport we spotted Zebras along the road, just like you would see cattle or horses here in the states, it was our first real taste of Africa.  We were met with smiles & a buffet of food at our hotel. We ate & attempted to shower, ice cold water was not ideal but we got our hair washed & got in bed with mosquito nets in place.  I was able to contact Travis and let him know we made it safely.  We slept a few short hours & got up early to get on another plane into Kisumu, our final destination in Kenya.

  Our hosts welcomed us, showed us our rooms, and had lunch waiting for us. Instantly we felt the love & were excited to see what God had planned for us. We rested & prepped for the next day of going out to a village. Driving around was an experience on it's own. Unspoken rules of the road - 8 passenger vans holding 16 people, motorcycles caring 5, people swerving in and out of traffic. Many people walking & carrying things or herding animals, small children walking to school, but everyone seemed to walk with a purpose, no one just sitting around doing nothing. 

  Once in the village we saw a crude stick structure that had been started. This would become the house they were building for a widow in the village and be used for Bible study and church services.  It was amazing to see these men place posts made from trees in the area & construct a home using minimal tools. The hammer was swung with ease & nails driven quickly. Once the main structure was framed they placed a tin roof on top & the roofer moved around quickly & barefoot. He measured & snipped & nailed the tin like he was made to do so.  When all but the mud walls were done we went inside & helped dedicate the house. Singing & sharing Bible verses & introductions - it was amazing!

Bible stories

  While the building was going on the men in our group helped - though it was obvious the builders didn't need the help. The four of us girls spent time with the kids & women in the village playing and down crafts & reading Bible stories. Luckily we had a wonderful interpreter who mirrored our enthusiasm and humor.  We visited three such villages and a few homes in the surrounding area.  We also visited schools and churches and an orphan school.  It was difficult to not just hand out money or food and try to put a band aid on the problems they faced but that was not what we were there for.  We had come to share God's love offer prayer and encouragement.  Yes, we brought gifts of balls, frisbees, food, candy, clothes but that is not as helpful as it may seem.  In a world where you take what you can get when you can get it things like this are snatched up without a second thought.  We heard stories about kids who longed to go to school and a mere $2 a month stood in their way.  And as much as I wanted to hand over money it was not what God was telling me to do.  We saw people come to know Jesus, this was our ultimate goal. We will continue to pray for the safety of those who must risk their lives to make ends meet.  Women going to the river to gather reeds to make mats must watch for hippos and others walking great distances to take their goods to market.

Team in our handmade clothes and the seamstress who made them

Woman making reed mat

  We ended our adventure with a 7hr drive down a dusty bumpy road back towards Nairobi.  We drove through villages & bushes wondering where in the world we would spend the night & then all if a sudden we were in front of a beautiful resort. We checked in & were given warm towels to clean our hands & faces off with. Wonderful rooms & showers with hot water, not just a switch you had to flip & allow it to warm up like the previous places we stayed. We got to go on an evening safari & eat some yummy food. The next morning we got up early & enjoyed another safari. It was amazing to see elephants & lions up close. Chloe snapped away with the camera. It was a wonderful way to end this incredible trip. 

   Once back in the states it was hard to adjust to "normal" life & to look at things that we take for granted. My heart ached for those we had come in contact with but I was comforted thinking of their smiles & hospitality in the midst of their poverty.   

Never say never

  When we started this journey to become foster parents a little over a year ago we had a clear plan in sight.  We would take anyone 5 yrs old and younger in hopes of adopting them figuring it would be easier to bond with a small child.  Like the saying goes, "If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans " - (Woody Allen).  Because here we sit with a 11yr old boy in our home and it is looking like we will be taking in a 13 yr old girl.  Victor, the 11 year old,  has been with us since the beginning of the year and is an awesome kid.  We have our struggles for sure, mostly getting him back on track with school and learning to trust us to be the adults and for him to just be a kid.  To hear the things he has gone through and what his 11 yrs of life have been is heart breaking.  But with our help and the help of his awesome counselor we are hopeful he will continue to grow and heal.

  The 13 yr old girl is named Destiny.  She is a gorgeous young lady and has made leaps and bounds in her progress.  She is currently in a special foster home that is a lot more structured and has helped her make the progress she has achieved.  She has an awesome counselor too.  We have been meeting with her and will begin the transition of her moving into the house by the end of the month.  She is a typical kid, likes, clothes, shoes, arts and crafts and has been doing very well in school.  She is a bit nervous about changing schools and living out here in the mountains when all she has known is the city.  But we truly believe that this peaceful place we have is therapeutic in many ways.  Animals are great ways for kids to feel a connection and without having to deal with adults and the quiet and sounds of the mountain are calming.

  And if that isn't enough crazy we are also in the process of adding 3 boys to our family.  They are all brothers and their ages are 5, 8 & 9.  The 9 year old, Nathan, will more than likely be placed with his father who lives in another state but will stay with us and his brothers until he is.  He is also a history and military buff so he is already excited to hear that Travis is in the Air Force and we have already made a promise to take him to the base to see the helicopters.  The 5 year old, Angelo, is a character and has a big personality and likes to be the center of attention but is a very sweet little guy.  And finally the 8 year old, Anthony, he is having the toughest time with the change.  He is the more emotional one of the bunch.  They are a great group of kids and the treatment foster parents they are with now have done a wonderful job of getting them through their treatment plan and learning to control emotions and anger.  As well as get them on track with school.

  It still amazes me everyday how resilient and strong these kids are.  We are blessed to be able to be part of their journey and can only pray we are able to bless them.

I Did it!!

I stepped foot on stage on May 31st, 2014 in the NM Fitness Championships.  I met my goal, I competed in a bikini contest.  Did I place?  No. Do I care?  No, that was never the point of all this.  It was to prove to myself I could get my body to a point that I felt comfortable enough to step on stage. Did I have the best abs or booty there?  Nope, but I had the best abs and booty I have ever had, even in my high school days my tush never looked that good!

The entire day before everything flowed wonderfully.  I prepped the things to take, not just clothes and toiletries but food, extra sheets and towels so I didn't get tan product on the hotel ones.  We checked in to the hotel and went to check in at the convention center as a competitor.  We stood in line for about an hour, I received my number, the hair and make-up schedule and a goodie bag.  We rushed back to the room so I could get my tan done.  This was the only stressful part, would it be dark enough, would it be orange, would it turn me green??  Three coats of pro-tan competition tan later I was transformed.  I wasn't totally sure I was dark enough so after a few convos with my tan lady she agreed to come back out at 4am that morning to apply two coats of her product.  I put on loose jammies and lay on my special sheets and slept like a board so I didn't mess up the tan or the hair extensions I was wearing.    After those final two coats, Perfection! It looked great and stayed put all day.  The funny thing is with a tan like this you haven't rinsed the bronzer off yet so water is your enemy, which includes going to the potty.  Luckily you are on limited water the day before and day of competition.

The morning of I was awake a 3 a.m. tanned and packed up, put on a robe and walked down to the convention center my sweet hubby carrying my bags so I didn't mess up the tan.  I sat in hair and makeup trying not to fall asleep at 5:30a.m.   As part of the bikini competition we had to com up with a theme wear.   I choose Dorothy as my costume - hey I am a KS girl after all.  I had gingham dress, basket with todo and even ruby slippers.  With competing in  two classes I was able to grace the stage twice.  The first time was surreal.  After I just kept smiling, I had done it.  Oh, I know it wasn't the best performance they had seen but I rocked it best I could.  The rest of the day was wonderful.  All the girls were friendly and nice and I received many texts, messages and phone calls giving me support.  I had several friends and family members that were able to watch the show live.  Amazing!

The final portion of the show went late and being in heels all day was rough on the feet.  After stepping on the stage for the last time I was ready to go find my husband and hug him and go back to the room, get a shower and eat pizza!!  And as soon as I took off those heels I walked out the door and there he was waiting for me with a big smile on his face.  He later said, sorry I didn't get you flowers.  I didn't need flowers, he had supported me all the way, never asking me to give it up or saying he didn't like the person I had transformed into.  He supported me just I have done for him over the years, that is marriage.  Love, support and growing together.  Not wanting the person to never change for fear of what that means.  Honestly, the fact that I didn't place does not bother me at all.  I didn't need that to know I had accomplished my goal.  It amazes me how many people put their happiness in others hands.  I don't need a pat on the back or someone to tell me I did a good job, I am strong enough to know how I did.  This was about me, and my goal and that was it.

Marriage

 Flowers, a beautiful dress, pictures, cake, punch, jewelry, gifts!!  What is there not to love about a wedding??  It can be the most exciting wild ride but hopefully it's not the best day of your life.  Hopefully the days that follow receive that title.  The milestone anniversaries, the children, buying a house, moving, etc.  Hopefully those things beat the wedding day. I know, not really the normal train of thought here in America.  I have been to ridiculously expensive weddings and fairly simple ones too, in fact my wedding cost less that $10,000, including my dress, 4 brides maid dresses, flower girl dress and ring bearer outfit, cake, flowers, venue and all.  All I could think about those few months that I had to prep was being married and the exciting adventures we would go on.  Just him and I on our own.  The day happened so fast but I can still recall all the wonderful feelings and moments.  

Engagement

  Really we had started this whole journey after returning from a trip to Florida with his family for Christmas while he was transitioning from Basic Training to Tech School.  We had it all figured out - found a judge, had gotten the marriage license (no wait time for military and no blood test in KS) and had called most of the family to come over the following day to watch us get hitched.  Well, God had other plans along with that hard praying momma of mine.  That poor judge slipped and fell on the ice the next day putting him out of commission and laying the ground work for us to have a traditional wedding in 3 months when his training was done.  

Daddy and me

  I found my dress at a local shop off the rack - it fit perfect, no alterations needed.  I made my veil, picked the bridesmaid dresses from a catalog at the same shop and decided I wouldn't wear shoes because I loved being barefoot.  I had always wanted to get married at the Christmas tree farm in my home town that had provided so many wonderful memories as a child so that became my venue.  I had no preference of cake flavors or designs - honestly there wasn't as many choices back then.  We decided to do nuts, mints and punch along with the cake.  No reception, no meal, no mess, no fuss.  I walked down the stairs with my daddy and all I could think is "don't let me trip, don't let me trip" and he held onto me tight as we descended the stairs.  As soon as I saw him standing up at the front it was all ok.  I never felt nervous or scared, just felt a sense of safety and firm in the knowledge that this was the man for me.  

Homecoming 2013

  To say I was naive is an understatement, not just to the trials of marriage but the trials of a military marriage.  Everything was very foreign to me. I had no idea about rank, titles and customs - but I learned.  He can now throw acronyms at me like it's nothing and I understand and translate for those around us.  I could never fathom my husband being away for 11 deployments and numerous TDYs.  Most assuredly I couldn't believe the things he would see and do on those deployments.  Marriage is hard, it is work and most definitely a military marriage. It has to be a balance of love, understanding, patience and personal strength. And when you add in the inevitable out fall of war it makes things tricky. My husband has awesome coping skills, I think he was taught them early, and for most of his military career that had been enough. But something has shifted, he wants to be present in this life, he wants to feel things and enjoy things, which is hard. He has swept things under the rug, feelings, fears, etc, for so long we are tripping on the huge mound the rug now covers.  

  It is messy, it is a fight, it is confrontation and uncomfortable.  But we will tackle it together.  He reacts in ways that are hurtful to me but I know that this is different.  Before he would have said nothing, he would have held it in. I know for the most part I am a safe place for him. He can be real and share his feelings and know I am not going anywhere. 

Dinning out

  It is hard to watch the one you love in so much pain so much tournament and all you can do is sit with them and let you know you are there. So that's what I do, I tell him I am here, I show him I am here and I try to convey to him that he is in fact safe. 

  My husband is my hero beyond measure. He is doing things now that he would have never done. Not just to help himself but our family and others. He advocates for counseling and shares his story when he can. I know he will do amazing things given the chance. 

  

Progress

  It has been almost 10wks since I started on this journey to compete in my first bikini competition.  Looking back it has been a roller coaster ride for sure, a series of ups and downs and fast turns.  Four weeks  in I hired a coach to help me with diet and a weight lifting  program along with posing and all the other stuff that comes with this.  I check in with her weekly with pictures and weight and any issues I may be having and she helps me adjust things.  I have also been blessed to be in touch with an old neighbor of ours that competes in figure competitions and coaches also.  She has been wonderful and has offered tremendous help and support in this whole process.  I went and watched a show this past weekend that she was judging.  Very interesting and fun to see how it all flows and goes together.  Now mind you this show was on a much smaller scale than the one I am going to be in but I walked away with a good insight on what the judges are looking for. Not just body condition but over all appearance & stage presence is very important. 

  I have my suit designed, my theme wear figured out, jewelry purchased and I have my hair and make-up set up.  Still figuring out the whole tanning situation but I have a suggestion on who to use just need to make the call.  I have my nail appointment set up and was lucky enough to be sponsored by my local salon - Tanglz Color Bar!!  I have been amazed at the support both financial & verbal during all this. 

  To say it's been a rough road is an understatement.  The gym has been the easiest part of it all.  I have no issue going to the gym and pushing my self.  I don't need someone there to hold my hand I am hard enough on myself, I won't settle for less than last time.  I push it but am careful to listen to my body. It's one thing to push my limits but it's another thing to break past them. This is a goal & a tough one for sure but it is not worth my health or long term damage to muscle or bone.  I am already dealing with a small injury from a fall almost a year ago where apparently I broke my fibula, it healed perfectly but some flex moves bother it. I have found that kesio tape helps big time. 

    The diet has been the toughest part by far.   I joked with a co-worker the other day that I was over chicken and fish & just wanted a steak and a beer.  She said she would have that steak and beer with me come the end of May.  This is more mental than physical for sure, thinking I can actually do this, I can get my body in shape, and giving up time at home to go to the gym, can I pass on that yummy food for chicken and fish again.  And the answer is yes, yes I can.  I have struggled through way tougher situations than this in the past, deployments, illnesses, college while maintaining a home and family (sometimes alone while Trav was deployed), marital troubles, family shunning, moving to new places and the list goes on and on.  I am strong I am powerful and I can do whatever I put my mind to with God's help. 

  The other issue I have struggled with in all this is the modesty aspect.  I am not super shy but I am not showy in what I wear for the most part.  I think being short helps, not a lot of skirts or dresses end up short on me.  I do wear swim suits but try to be mindful of my audience.  I strongly believe we as women have a duty to project ourselves in a becoming way.  And as a married woman I believe some things are for my husbands eyes only.  If everyone gets to see you in a certain why how then can it be special for your spouse. Yes, I will step onto stage in the tiniest of tiny bikinis but I will be in a place that is somewhat appropriate for that.  I do want to use this experience as a motivator for other women, to show what is possible with hard work & determination and to show what I can do with God's help. 

Like a gold ring in a pig's snout

is a beautiful woman without discretion

Proverbs 11:22

Loss and the future

  Most of you have probably heard or read that we recently had the two youngest boys taken & rehomed by CYFD. To say that it was a hard couple of weeks is putting it lightly.  We had known this could happen, we had been warned. But for no one in these kids families to have stepped forward in the 8 months prior we thought it wasn't going to happen. But like we have heard before, sometimes the parents don't tell all the family they have had their kids taken & once it starts looking like they won't get them back they finally spill the beans & seek someone in the family to take the child.

  With the youngest, Ethan, who was 14 months it was the hardest because his worker pretty much has never really been a good communicator & called one day to say a relative had been approved & that they wanted to move him the following day & to let her know a good time. I emailed her, per her request, and received no reply so we went about the next day as usual. She then called me again saying she had returned my email & wanted to know if we could bring him to Albuquerque that night. Now, she did reply to my email, one minute before she called (hello time stamp). So I told her no I didn't have his things together because she hadn't replied the day before.  She asked why I couldn't run & get them - I told her because I am at work.  She proceeded to raise her voice at me (my coworker sitting across from me heard every word) telling me she wasn't going to argue with me & that she could come pick him up. But when I explained how late it would be by the time we got him from daycare and got his things together she changed her mind.  After her ugly phone call I spoke with Travis & let him know all this & that this worker had better not call again, he relayed that to our worker.  So the following evening we took our sweet little guy to the CYFD office where they handed him over to a total stranger. No previous meetings, nada. The lady had a brand new 2 door sports car & asked if she had to go buy diapers. To say we were hurt, shocked & disgusted by the system is putting it mildly. 

  Our other kiddo, Kayden, has made gigantic strides since he came into our care. But sadly we came to the decision he needed a higher level of care than we can provide & his mom & dad are far from being close to getting him back. So we asked our worker to seek out a higher level of care home for him. He needs someone who can stay home with him & run him to appointments & watch his food allergies etc. Little did we know a family member had come forward for him also.  An older lady with a daughter in college. She will stay home with him & was very thankful to us for taking good care of him. She had meet him before - a while back & remarked how well he looked compared to then. We exchanged phone numbers & emails & assured her that we had no problem with her calling if she had questions. Kayden went in the car with her telling us goodbye. I doubt he will ever fully comprehend what has happened but it is what is best for him. She even brought him a puppy to have as a pal. 

  As for CYFD it is broken in our eyes. Not just because the boys are gone but because how things were handled. Overworked staff, short staffed & at times with little compassion. We have always tried to be patient & understanding knowing the few do much. But when we are treated poorly that is not ok & when a worker continues to mess up & make excuses & not take responsibility for their actions that is not ok. 

  So for this family - no more foster kiddos. We are sticking to the ones who are ready for their forever homes. Praying that those kids who are meant to be Willinghams one day will find their way to us.

Where has the time gone?

  Today marks 15yrs that I have been married to my sweety.  15 yrs of love, heart ache, seperation, loss, and so much more.  15 yrs that we we have sacrifieced for eachother and for our family.  To say we have had our ups and downs is putting it mildly.  But in the end all that matters is we love eachother and we have eachother.  This past year along has been tough with adding new kids and Trav working for the guard.  There has been times we both wanted to just run away and hide on a beach somewhere, but hey at least we wanted to go together.

  There is no telling what this next year will hold.  Each one that passes always amazes me.  We work through things, we make things happen we figure stuff out, we enjoy life and try to share that joy with others.  There is a good chance come next year we will be down to only 2 kiddos or who knows maybe we will have 10 (I will be fully medicated but you never know).

  God has blessed us so much in these past 15yrs and to see the things we have faced and over come together and on our own is amazing in it's own right.  There will always be things that come up in a marriage, but you have to remain focused and keep sight of what is real and what is right.  One person can't be the center of the marriage.  Both people have to constantly work, and try and decide this is what they want.  One person can't call the shots, it has to be a team effort and team decision.  You cannot allow outside influences and chatter cloud your view. I am thankful for friends & family who have loved & supported us through all the times in our life.

  I love you Travis forever & ever!