Loss and the future

  Most of you have probably heard or read that we recently had the two youngest boys taken & rehomed by CYFD. To say that it was a hard couple of weeks is putting it lightly.  We had known this could happen, we had been warned. But for no one in these kids families to have stepped forward in the 8 months prior we thought it wasn't going to happen. But like we have heard before, sometimes the parents don't tell all the family they have had their kids taken & once it starts looking like they won't get them back they finally spill the beans & seek someone in the family to take the child.

  With the youngest, Ethan, who was 14 months it was the hardest because his worker pretty much has never really been a good communicator & called one day to say a relative had been approved & that they wanted to move him the following day & to let her know a good time. I emailed her, per her request, and received no reply so we went about the next day as usual. She then called me again saying she had returned my email & wanted to know if we could bring him to Albuquerque that night. Now, she did reply to my email, one minute before she called (hello time stamp). So I told her no I didn't have his things together because she hadn't replied the day before.  She asked why I couldn't run & get them - I told her because I am at work.  She proceeded to raise her voice at me (my coworker sitting across from me heard every word) telling me she wasn't going to argue with me & that she could come pick him up. But when I explained how late it would be by the time we got him from daycare and got his things together she changed her mind.  After her ugly phone call I spoke with Travis & let him know all this & that this worker had better not call again, he relayed that to our worker.  So the following evening we took our sweet little guy to the CYFD office where they handed him over to a total stranger. No previous meetings, nada. The lady had a brand new 2 door sports car & asked if she had to go buy diapers. To say we were hurt, shocked & disgusted by the system is putting it mildly. 

  Our other kiddo, Kayden, has made gigantic strides since he came into our care. But sadly we came to the decision he needed a higher level of care than we can provide & his mom & dad are far from being close to getting him back. So we asked our worker to seek out a higher level of care home for him. He needs someone who can stay home with him & run him to appointments & watch his food allergies etc. Little did we know a family member had come forward for him also.  An older lady with a daughter in college. She will stay home with him & was very thankful to us for taking good care of him. She had meet him before - a while back & remarked how well he looked compared to then. We exchanged phone numbers & emails & assured her that we had no problem with her calling if she had questions. Kayden went in the car with her telling us goodbye. I doubt he will ever fully comprehend what has happened but it is what is best for him. She even brought him a puppy to have as a pal. 

  As for CYFD it is broken in our eyes. Not just because the boys are gone but because how things were handled. Overworked staff, short staffed & at times with little compassion. We have always tried to be patient & understanding knowing the few do much. But when we are treated poorly that is not ok & when a worker continues to mess up & make excuses & not take responsibility for their actions that is not ok. 

  So for this family - no more foster kiddos. We are sticking to the ones who are ready for their forever homes. Praying that those kids who are meant to be Willinghams one day will find their way to us.

Where has the time gone?

  Today marks 15yrs that I have been married to my sweety.  15 yrs of love, heart ache, seperation, loss, and so much more.  15 yrs that we we have sacrifieced for eachother and for our family.  To say we have had our ups and downs is putting it mildly.  But in the end all that matters is we love eachother and we have eachother.  This past year along has been tough with adding new kids and Trav working for the guard.  There has been times we both wanted to just run away and hide on a beach somewhere, but hey at least we wanted to go together.

  There is no telling what this next year will hold.  Each one that passes always amazes me.  We work through things, we make things happen we figure stuff out, we enjoy life and try to share that joy with others.  There is a good chance come next year we will be down to only 2 kiddos or who knows maybe we will have 10 (I will be fully medicated but you never know).

  God has blessed us so much in these past 15yrs and to see the things we have faced and over come together and on our own is amazing in it's own right.  There will always be things that come up in a marriage, but you have to remain focused and keep sight of what is real and what is right.  One person can't be the center of the marriage.  Both people have to constantly work, and try and decide this is what they want.  One person can't call the shots, it has to be a team effort and team decision.  You cannot allow outside influences and chatter cloud your view. I am thankful for friends & family who have loved & supported us through all the times in our life.

  I love you Travis forever & ever!

Stepping out of my box

  This competition prep has definitely been a new experience.  I have always been active and tried to eat healthy but when it comes to stepping foot on a stage that is new to me. Yes, I did dance, choir, played sports but that was all as a team, never alone, in a spot light.  I can be girly but I am not a girly girly per se.  I can dress up and pull an outfit together when needed but I also have no issue putting on boots and getting outside and tackling the dirtiest of jobs.  I have never been one to plaster make-up on and curl my hair before heading out, yes I'll put on a bit of concealer and lip gloss but I like the natural look.  So to have to think about make-up, hair, tanning, nails, etc is a bit overwhelming.  Luckily this competition will have hair and make-up people backstage that we can sign up with and they will take care of it.  Because let's be honest, I am going to be tanner than I have ever been so there is no way to know what make-up to use.

  Sitting down and adding up the expenses is a bit overwhelming too.  At the prep camp I attended last weekend they suggested we seek out sponsors or start a gofundme.com account.  All of which is again out of my box.  I hate asking for money.  As a teenager I scrimped and budgeted to pay for my gas and lunches.  I babysat and worked at daycares and goodwill.  So deciding to follow this advise given and seek out help has been hard.  I mean this isn't a need, this isn't a charity, this is just me trying to reach a goal, a dream I have set for myself.  It is not cheap to set foot on stage.  I need a suit, shoes, hair, nails, tan, and jewelry.  They even suggest a back up suit just in case something happens to the first one. I have hired a trainer to help with my nutrition and workout plan along with posing.  We could probably figure a way to cover most of my expenses but having people behind me has helped me keep focused.  It's not just  me invested in this anymore.  I am not one to put my whole life out there for everyone to see.   I don't believe in playing the pity card and counting the woes I have survived especially for gain.  God will bless me in His own way if I keep focused on Him.  Those who seek gratification from the praise of others have their reward in just that.  

  Honestly, I go through phases of "I can totally do this" to "What in the heck am I doing."  My husband has been awesome.  He tells me I am being silly and yes I can do this and to look at how far I have come.  I keep track of the my measurements, weight and body fat and I have seen losses in all areas.  It is hard to look in the mirror everyday and see the changes I have made.  Taking pictures and using those guides I mentioned have helped tremendously.  As I close in on being 12wks out from this competition I remain focused and determined to trust the process and stick to my routine and plan.  I WILL do this and just stepping foot on stage with the knowledge that I accomplished my goal will be all the gratification I need.  I will do this for me with God's help and with Him I can do anything. 

http://www.gofundme.com/jennynichole