Changes

In life there are constant changes, some we seek, some that are thrown on us and some that threaten to break us. We have been a family of three for over 12yrs now and have shared wonderful moments and suffered pain as well.  It is funny we always wanted more kiddos, actually thought we would be expecting a second one when our daughter was around two, but things happen for a reason.  I have fought through tears of loss and surrendered to the fact that if not for that time in my life I would not appreciate other things.  It is amazing to me, when in a group of women how many will share stories of heart ache and loss when speaking of pregnancy.  We are so hard on ourselves as women, constantly judging every move wondering if someone is judging us.  I can remember after finding out I was no longer pregnant thinking it will eventualy happen - I mean we already had one daughter so it was possible.  In hindsight I am thankful for the hospital visit, not because it meant I was not going to be a mother again but because it revieled a cyst that was on my ovary that I was told after the surgery to remove it was the size of a grapefruit. 

There have been waves of longing for that feeling of growing a little blessing inside of you and then being thankful I have one healthy beautiful child.  It's a hard place to get to, finally accepting that this is it.   With our longing for more kids in the house came an inkling that maybe we are meant to grow our family in other ways.  Two years ago we looked into international adoption, were even on the road to adopting a little boy.  But again things happen for a reason, when my husband returned from his 10th deployment he was not himself to say the least.  The man I had known for 13yrs was not there.  So we decided to put the adoption road on hold and work on our marriage and our family, to be honest it was almost a lost battle.  If ever in my life I lived Psalms 55:17 it was then, I was in constant prayer and was recruiting people to pray for us as well.  I am pretty sure I had friends and family in 7 different states praying.  Even when things looked the darkest I was praying for acceptance and to forgive.  Then out of no where with no rhyme or reason, like God likes to do, the man I had loved since I was 18 slowly started to reapper.  It has often hit me how God used people to help me through this time that I never would have guessed would have been my support.  And in turn showed me the ones I was sure would be by my side in my lowest point were not who I thought they were. 

So here we are two years later and a lot of marriage counseling (not ashamed to say that sometimes you need that third party point of view) and happier than ever, we laugh, we share our dreams, fears, daily goings on.  Instead of pushing things under the rug and ignoring them we talk and discuss and most importantly we listen.  It is tough, with all he has been through there are just emotions that bubble up and we deal and push on. 

"Evening, and Morning, and at Noon, I will pray, and cry aloud: And He shall hear my voice"